生活继续

:(

2012-01-05T20:15:00.004+08:00

You've been crying in front of me for over 30 minutes now. I don't want to see or hear you crying because it hurts to know I'm the cause of it. I hope you get to read this someday, when you're more mature - mature enough to understand why I had to leave.

I love you. I gave up a lot for you. You may not acknowledge it now but someday I hope you'll remember that I fought so hard for this, for us. And that until the end, that's still what I'm doing.

I want us to have a chance. And for that to happen, I need to leave now before the love I feel for you is eaten away by all your issues. I can't assure you that we will be together again someday. If we end up with different people in the future, then consider this my last effort to save what we have and what we could have had.

I love you.

You Got Some Growing Up to Do
- Joshua Radin

I've been down this road before
I walk out the door

Leave you on the floor

Sometimes you run and hide

Your foolish pride's

What keeps me from

Giving you more

So the best thing I can give to you

Is for me to go

Leave you alone

Cause you got growing up to do

Someday I'll return when its time

For payment in kind

The church bells will chime

You'll stand before me surrounded by lights

Dressed in white

You throw flowers in the air this night

But the best thing I can give to you

Is for me to go

Leave you alone

You got growing up to do

Looks like the rain's pouring down on me

It's drowning me now

And all I want is to come back home

And this old corduroy coat is not keeping me dry

But I can't think of what else to try

That's why the best thing I can give to you

Is for me to go

Leave you alone

You got growing up to do

Yeah, the best thing I can give to you is for me to go

Leave you alone

You got growing up to do

what if

2011-11-13T20:52:00.000+08:00

pic from Postsecret

2011-05-25T18:33:00.002+08:00

i used to always know what i wanted. i may not have been able to put my desires into words before, but i knew i wanted them.

im so lost in everything that happened this summer. it was supposed to be the greatest summer of my life. how did i manage to make it the worst?

i feel like everything is ruined and feeling that makes me feel hopeless about getting back on track. it makes me not want to do anything but mope and float.

i used to always know what i wanted. even when i got hurt, i knew what i wanted. and now i don't know what i want. i dont know how to deal with not knowing, how to go about life not knowing what im working for or where things are headed.

there are so many days when i dont feel anything. i dont feel happy. i dont feel sad. i dont feel anything, like im not capable of feeling anything but feeling lost.

i am lost. and i feel screwed because i am lost and i dont know how to find my way back.

and after a long time.. I blog again

2011-01-16T21:38:00.003+08:00

When people find out that I'm in med, the first thing they always ask is if it's difficult. And the next thing they ask is whether I've decided on what specialty I'd want to go into. Both are really easy to answer, especially the second one.

Ever since 1st year highschool, I knew I wanted to become a neurologist/neurosurgeon (even if at that time, i referred to it as a "brain doctor"). Specializing in Psy is a close second ever since college but Neuro was always the first.

Right now, 9 years after 1st year highschool and 2 years into med school, I'm still as decided as ever that I'd specialize in Neuro.

I don't even know why I'm choosing this specialty - except that the brain intrigues me like no other organ/body part ever has before (that kinda sounds weird). I don't have any relatives who are doctors - much less neurologists. My mother seriously told me that if I quit med, she'd be happy because she'd have less expenses to worry about. But all these never bothered me before. I never really thought about all these until something happened last Friday.

A classmate, Ana and I were talking about random things in the hospital cafeteria. Our classmate was talking about how her grandfather was teaching her to read a CT scan of the brain and someone (i forgot if it was Ana or me) if she was going to go into Neuro. And she said, "..Siguro.. nandyan na e." To explain things further, our classmate comes from a family of doctors - mainly neurologists/neurosurgeons.

Not that I'm angry at our classmate or anything, I never felt that. But when I heard what she had to say, I was deeply envious of her. Envious because she has so many advantages that even if she fails every exam, she's sure to become a neurologist if she chooses to be one. What gets to me is, she's offered so much for something she only wants because as she said "nandyan na e", for something she's not even sure about. It's not like me to be envious of people and it's definitely not like me to wish I had something someone else had. But ever since, I kept asking myself why I don't have a grandfather teaching me how to read a CT scan, why I don't have at least one neurologist in the family, or why I don't have any connections.

Ultimately, the one question I had the hardest time admitting to myself - and to my friends who read this blog - was why I didn't have all the things given to her when I think I deserve it more than she does. I felt bad for myself. I still feel bad for myself when I think about it and I'll probably be feeling bad for myself whenever I think about it in the near future. Even when I know I shouldn't.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to be a neurologist. Maybe it's not "in the cards", as they say.

Or the only positive explanation I can think of, maybe I don't have her "advantages" because for some reason, someone up there knows I don't need them. That I can become a neurologist on my own. Kuya Jess, please let this be true.

hay

2010-11-14T15:21:00.001+08:00

i don't feel like decorating the christmas tree. i don't feel like celebrating at all.

2010-08-23T04:04:00.004+08:00

it's 4:04 am, only 2 hours before i have to wake up and i still can't sleep.

it's not that i'm not tired, i am. i want to sleep. i just cant.

my mind's so busy.

i want you to grow up. and i know i have to as well. but i want us to be grown ups together. maybe thats why im holding back, because i'm scared i'd get tired of it all if i was the only one doing it.

i hate being so sure of something especially when i dont know how it's all going to end. there are so many things that have yet to happen. but i already know this is still how i want things to be when everything else have fallen into place - careers, family issues, everything else.

i want to skip everything and fast forward to the time when i'd know i was right about being sure.

just tell me when.

hello

2010-06-21T01:06:00.003+08:00

i'm still annoyed at you.

but i'm trying to help you right now, even if you don't know it.

it's not so hard to see why.

i see you in a place where i have been and where others have seen me in. and those others never did anything even if they saw what was happening.

so i'm helping you because i know how it feels. and because noone helped me.

looking back, i know things worked out for the better and i wouldn't have it any other way. but now, a few years later, it still bothers me that noone did anything. it's not that i wanted a different ending. it's the knowledge that people cared enough to try to stop things that i'm after.

so i'm crossing my fingers for your happy ending.

facebook statuses

2010-02-28T21:26:00.002+08:00

i wonder when i'll be able to change my status from "single" to not just "in a relationship", but rather, "in a relationship with (random person here)".

and so it is..

2010-02-22T14:50:00.002+08:00

between trying to study, doing my biochem thesis, going through my old planner (and remembering birthdays), and looking for my lost cat, i had the urge to blog.

it feels like there's nothing to blog about even if i know there's so much.

everything feels jumbled together, like they're glued into one big ball. moments, experiences, time.

med school is changing me and it's probably doing that to everyone, one way or another. the people there, the things i learn, the difficulty of it all. i'm not busting my ass as hard as other people are so my grades are all D's, but at least i'm passing and enjoying it at the same time.

i'm learning and relearning. i'm living and reliving. i'm making the best out of things.

i'm being me.

from delusionality.blogspot.com

2010-01-30T21:14:00.000+08:00

blogging used to be fun and relaxing for me. but it's been more of stressful lately. whenever i start to write, i end up not posting it anyway because i don't finish it. i lose interest somewhere between writing and publishing.

im keeping the web add but im transferring it to my old blog. my 1st ever blog. 2 weeks from now. that should be enough time for people to read this entry.

this blog feels like old newspaper really. you ignore it because it's become useless. but you keep it at home for, i don't know. newspaper drives? or for when you need something to clean dog poop with. it just feels old. and i feel like im just waiting for when i have the time to throw it away.

i believe this blog doesn't serve the same purpose it once did. so many things have changed. maybe because the way i see things and people have changed. and i think the way people see me have changed as well.

so to finally end this blog:

1. thank you to the friends i have who have stuck around no matter how invisible i may seem to you, or you to me.

2. thank you to the new friends i have made in uerm. you guys make the place a whole lot better.

3. thank you to my roomie and ahmad domado (yes, special mention ka kahit d mo alam tong blog na to). for studying with me and for trying to stay up with me. and for putting up with my antics.

4. thank you to my family. i think that's self-explanatory.

5. thank you to Jess.. You're the best.

i want to stop wishing this everytime december rolls in

2009-12-07T23:37:00.002+08:00

pic from postsecret

poof

2009-11-07T01:15:00.000+08:00

i want to know everything. i want to know every little detail, cos i'm curious that way. i want to know everything u can tell me bec sometimes, i like to think u also want to know everything. about me, about my past.. about the people i loved.

but at the same time, i don't. cos i'd know every word u'd say would hurt and every minute we'd spend talking about it would be agony. and because when u start saying things, i'd start wishing u never started.

maybe right now, all i'm ready to know is, do you feel like this too?

but i really do want to know everything.

no. i don't.

Happenings

2009-10-28T12:25:00.005+08:00

Yesterday, Lyn, our helper was admitted to UERM's ICU Charity Ward. I went to visit her after class. Super payat na nya. I mean, payat naman na sya dati pero when I saw her, I almost didn't recognize her. Her diagnosis - thyroid storm. It's what happens when you have a thyroid problem and you don't drink your meds. I arrived almost 4, I stayed until around 5:15.

When I got there, I was still able to talk to her. She was still responding to the doctors, kahit mahina na sya. Pinasok sya sa ICU kc daw, tumaas bigla ung HR nya beyond the normal range. So ayun. The doctors were trying to insert an IV pero all the usual veins have collapsed so hirap na cla. They eventually got one on her right foot.

What was wierd was okay na sya eh. That time, she was answering all the doctor's questions correctly. Where she was, what her name was, what happened to her, etc. She even heard the doctor telling me that heart failure was the only complication of a thyroid storm and she even asked if she had heart failure and if she needed to take her meds after she gets out of the hospital.

A few minutes later, she wasn't responding at all. They decided to intubate and there was a sudden rush of seniors into the ward all watching and trying to be helpful. Mamayang konti, someone was performing cpr already.. I got to talk to my mom tapos sinabi nya skn na bumalik na dw ako sa dorm kc i shouldn't even be in the hospital kc kkamatay lng ni papa. So I left. The last thing I saw, they were still performing cpr for a little over 5 minutes already.

Ang bilis ng lahat ng pangyayari. One minute, she was still talking and bugging the doctors to let her drink water and stand up for a while. The next, she wasn't responding at all. It's like she just gave up. Akala namin magiging okay na sya kc stable na sya eh. Tapos bglang ganun.

I have a lot of realizations and things to think about because of what I saw. Iba. With my dad, when we got there, wala na. It's different when you see everything happening right in front of you. Nakakadisturb, nakakasad, nakakapanghina all at the same time. It's the kind of thing that leaves you pale and disturbed for a while. I don't know if her relatives were able to go to the hospital. Pero ang alam ko, nung umaga pa sila sinabihan na pumunta na pero wala pa sila nung dumating ako.

This morning, my mom texted that Lyn left us at 11 pm. May she rest in peace.

*****

On a lighter note, today was Mann Hann's 1st soft opening and we were the first customers! :) we got complimentary drinks. AND.. we witnessed the restaurant's blessing. :P medyo awkward lng nga kc nndun kmi kmkain tpos lahat ng employees and family members of the owners were there having the blessing. akala kc nmin, customers din cla, ayun pla, relatives nung may-ari. :)

our receipt! #1! :P

complimentary drinks :)

with hans and the lasalle boys :)

ranting

2009-10-21T19:21:00.000+08:00

i have never been this dead my whole life. that's even an understatement.

people are quitting med school left and right. the people i once thought were the more-than-hundred-percent-sure-med-school are dropping like flies. the people i know who are way smarter and studious than me are either leaving this dream or putting it on hold.

what makes me think i can do this?

i'm failing everything. and unfortunately, i'm not exaggerating. i'm failing. literally. i've never had grades like these my whole life and i really don't know how to make them go higher. i enrolled for the 2nd sem knowing i haven't passed a single exam in a major subject. how screwed am i?

everyone's saying i can, tiredness is all just a part of it, and so is failing. but non-med people (i'm not being arrogant or anything) can never understand. the tiredness, the disappointment, the beating of your self-esteem until it's practically gone.

i feel like i'm failing everything - in every aspect of my life.

plus, people seem to have disappeared and i really don't know why. i've been feeling this way for months. the distance is.. ewan. it's so big it's leaving me speechless. all i can really say is it takes two. either to make something or ruin something, it always takes two. or maybe more than two, but i'm definitely sure it's not just me.

forgot where i got this..

2009-09-30T17:51:00.007+08:00

but im reposting it anyway.

thanks to wherever/whoever i got it from. (d ko sure kng sa postsecret ba or sa blog ng isa sa inyo.. if ever, im guessing reese's :P )

this is not just about the obvious. it's about a lot of stuff. stuff i think about when everyone else is sleeping and my mind won't do the same. stuff i think about when there's really nothing else to do. stuff i don't know whether i feel at the moment or not, but definitely stuff i've felt before.

or maybe stuff i just imagined.

it's all too close and too much for comfort.

http://shirtsavenue.multiply.com/

2009-09-21T21:48:00.000+08:00

numbers 22 and 31

just finished watching She's All That..

2009-09-21T02:19:00.000+08:00

just win me over everyday and sweep me off my feet.

Bucket List

2009-09-14T02:40:00.002+08:00

i can't sleep so i thought i'd post this. i've always wanted to post my bucket list in my blog. i don't really know why. maybe because some of the things i listed are things i want to do with people who also want to do them. and maybe you guys have your own bucket list too and we could do some of the things together. i think slashing something off your list will be more precious if you're slashing it off with someone else.

~ go sight-seeing in a hot air balloon
~ mail a postcard to postsecret
~ make a snow angel
~ participate in a pride march
~ be successful at something
~ save a life
~ be a doctor and save a thousand more lives
~ find someone nice to grow old with
~ get married
~ bump into at least 5 friends in one place in one day (i'm assuming it means i have lots of friends.. i'm only up to 3)
~ have my own room
~ design my own room
~ sell a painting (even if it's just for a few pesos)
~ climb a mountain
~ learn scuba-diving
~ have my own library
~ go on at least 25 hands-on medical missions
~ change the world
~ come out to my family
~ have them accept me after i come out
~~~ hold a heart~~
~ experience zero gravity

and the list is growing..

-

2009-09-06T12:44:00.000+08:00

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
~~I'm~~ You're losing ~~you~~ me and its effortless.

What's my cue to quit?

here we go again

2009-09-05T12:02:00.002+08:00

im so so so tired of you. im so tired it hurts.

im done.

i wish you could just disappear for good.

crap

2009-09-02T23:27:00.000+08:00

i need to know that i can do this.

withdrawal

2009-08-29T20:37:00.000+08:00

i feel alone.

and i haven't even withdrawn from anyone yet.

what's happening?

so what's new?

2009-08-29T00:32:00.000+08:00

i believe i should stop fighting losing battles.

why?

2009-08-16T16:12:00.001+08:00

because when i look at you, i'm reminded of all the simplest things i love. like the warmth of the sun after a heavy downpour. the smell of new and old books. the sound of a person typing on a noisy keyboard like he's got a great great idea he needs to write down lest he forget. and of an acoustic guitar being broken in. the feeling of cold water running down your throat on a hot day.

because when i look at you, i know i'm looking at a dream minus the sleeping and the waking up.

gray matters

2009-08-16T12:00:00.001+08:00

Sam: Well how do you feel?
Gray: Lonely.
Sam: Why?
Gray: Because I'm never going to be able to walk down the street, holding hands with my partner without the rest of the world giving us a look. And me never have the wedding that I once dreamed of and I may never have children. And one day when I die people will never give as much respect to my grieving lover as if she were my husband.
Sam: Gray, it's not as if you made a choice.
Gray: That's what terrifies me. It's so much easier to be someone else.

now who's crying, desiring to come back to me

2009-08-03T01:42:00.001+08:00

i was talking to a friend a while ago about changing facebook statuses.

i realized i'm just a little bit short of craving for something radical. well.. not really radical, but something that will offer rest from the never-ending hiding.

i can feel it building up sometimes.

i'm about to explode and i'm desperately suppressing it because i know now is not the time. and the time is still a long, long way off.

i risk losing my med school education and everything else if i say it too soon. i risk losing myself if i say it too late.

the thing is..

will there ever be a right time?

*title courtesy of the friend i was talking about (thought i wouldn't do it, didn't u? :P )

injections injections injections

2009-08-01T23:09:00.000+08:00

we did a physio experiment last tues about hemoglobin and stuff.

i was able to get blood from one of my groupmates. :D

med tech work. but still.. masaya pa rin. :)

i'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it

2009-07-05T23:57:00.003+08:00

pic from postsecret

a lot of things don't really make sense nowadays.
and i know a lot of things won't make sense in the future.

here's to med.
here's to cadavers.
here's to being future doctors.

is it really supposed to be like this?

2009-06-28T00:46:00.000+08:00

everyday, when i wake up, i think of how i don't want to go to ue and sit through lectures about things i don't even understand.

and everyday, while i'm trying to comprehend whatever lesson the prof's talking about, i think of how i can study everything i need to study.

from 8-5, i think of how i can survive med and whether i can survive it. gusto ko maging doktor. pro marami nmng may gusto nun eh. halos lht ng nsa med school, gusto un. what makes me think na mgging doktor ako dhl lng ginusto ko.

i have so many doubts right now. not just about med, about myself too and everything else. in short, i've never doubted myself this much before.

ganito ba talaga dapat?

in all aspects of my life, why do i feel like i'm not in control of anything at all?

<3 - <3

2009-06-14T00:01:00.000+08:00

i was talking to a friend a while ago and a thought that wasn't supposed to slip out, slipped. and because of it, it occurred to me how much i miss having heart to heart talks with people.

there are only a few people i get to do this with. only a handful.

i miss talking about life with people who i know won't write me off as emo, corny or whatever just because i said something contemplative for a change. (hindi ako nagpaparinig ha.)

it's nice to talk about life sometimes. kind of like philo but not really..

it's nice to be taken seriously every once in a while. and to feel that what you say matters to at least someone other than yourself.

it's nice to know that your thoughts are welcome.

*****

this whole extended summer is getting to me. =\

ched announcement

2009-06-06T16:50:00.000+08:00

classes are suspended until june 15.

it's the first suspension of classes in med school and it's caused by a virus. there's a paradox in there somewhere.

I miss the cadavers. =/ but not really.

"mukha silang lechon"

huh, nice to know. i seriously thought they'd be cool-looking.. kinda like the ones you see in csi.

guess i'll be sticking to veggies and seafood for a while.

*****

my new friends are so innocent of what they're getting themselves into. =p

straight people don't have excuses for being straight

2009-06-01T12:38:00.001+08:00

pic from postsecret

this is just sad. nobody should have to feel guilty for not having an excuse to be himself.
in the first place, there's no need for an excuse.

while i was swimming

2009-05-21T20:53:00.000+08:00

naisip ko..

the closest you could probably get to walking on the moon is walking in the pool.

random thought lng.

*pathetic attempt on an update. i know. =\

Why do superheroes have a name?

2009-05-15T16:24:00.003+08:00

"Kung hindi ako ang ipinangalan nila sa akin," pahabol ng binata sa ama habang inaaninag ang sariling imahe na nasasalamin sa helmet, "sino ako?"

Nakita ni Aling Hasmin na luhaan at kanina oa nag-aabang sa pintuan. Nilingon nya ang anak, "Tutulong ka lang sa kapwa... hindi mo kailangan ng pangalan," saka nagpatuloy lumabas ng kwarto para abutin ang naghihintay na kamay ng kabiyak.

- Kapitan Sino, Bob Ong

X

2009-05-01T23:21:00.004+08:00

a very unused letter..

or

a "prefix"?

it's funny how one syllable could cause so much. how it could hurt so much and destroy so much. and im talking from both sides here.

what's the first thing that comes to mind when u say "ex ko to" (not that anyone ever said it so blatantly)?

the past girl/boyfriend. the person she/he had feelings for.

ngayon ko lng naisip. and this is something people forget cos everyone's too focused on the other stuff (or maybe ako lng?).

the ex is..

someone with whom things didn't workout.

and that's why u're there.

wholesome

2009-04-27T02:24:00.000+08:00

pic from postsecret

always go the extra mile.

it's the always the most important because it's the extra mile that proves the most.

i beg to differ

2009-04-17T22:17:00.000+08:00

someone told me today that i was too busy saving other people i can't even save myself.

it's not always the case. i may be busy saving others if that's what u think, but i'm definitely not too busy.

it's not that i can't save myself. it's just a matter of wanting someone else to save me.

because i haven't posted in a while

2009-04-15T23:40:00.000+08:00

i'm not really busy right now but despite the many things i want to write, i still have a hard time doing so. i found that when i start to type things down, i end up with something that doesn't even seem to be worth posting. they all seem too raw to post.

i take it i have been too emotional about too many things the past sem. or maybe, too many things have happened that affected me more than they should have. or maybe still, i just never thought they could happen until they did and i was simply caught off guard.

on the way to ateneo for my grad, my mom told me it was too bad that my dad wasn't there to see me graduate. believe it or not, my parents and their friends didn't even think i'd make it past high school. with the achievements of my siblings, i feel like a dunce. seeing me finish college, even without honors, would have been such a feat for my mom. and my dad, if he was there to see it.

after months, you'd think my dad passing away is old news. everyone here acts like it is. my mom's doing well but i still see signs that she's not over it. she's the wife after all, i believe it's hardest for her. my two brothers and sister act like nothing happened. they're all back to their normal routines. come to think of it, i don't think i saw their routine disrupted because of my dad's death. and me..

the ever "nr" me. flat affect nga daw eh. i wasn't devastated. i cried only because i saw my mom and my aunt crying and seeing adults cry makes u want to cry. people say it's because i'm a strong person or because someone needs to be strong for everyone or because i knew he was going to go soon and i was prepared for it, i said maybe it's because i simply didn't care enough to feel sad, to feel pain or even to cry because of grief.

i never felt what i should have felt back then. but right now, everything is so clear i don't even need to think twice about it.

right now, i feel sad. i feel pain. i feel like crying because i feel sad and because it's painful. but i don't want to cry because i feel my emotions are too delayed and they're not worth anything anymore.

my tears won't comfort the people around me who are also grieving. they will comfort noone, not even me. my sadness won't assure anyone that they're not alone because they've already been assured by the sadness of others. my pain won't show anyone that the world lost someone valuable because everyone else's pain already did that.

i just realized that i chose to deal with something so much easier last december and that probably allowed me to make it past the sem. back then, i thought i was dealing with hell. now i know i wasn't.

i miss my dad.

now what?

yumi's right

2009-03-26T13:04:00.000+08:00

i will not let you ruin things for me anymore.

GO AWAY.

12 postcards

2009-03-18T19:59:00.000+08:00

Because everyone's in Ilocos (whatever, I know you guys miss me. aminin niyo man o hinde) and because I didn't give a postcard to anyone during the pabaon. Alphabetically ko to gagawin (para walang away).

1. Ana Domingo

Wala pala akong gustong sabihin sayo. Nilagay ko lng pangalan mo dito kasi kausap kita kanina. Haha kidding. Who would have thought na in my last year in ateneo, I'd meet you? San ka ba nagtatago at nung 4th yr lng tayo nagkakilala? I entered 4th year thinking my college life is about to end and I have all the friends I need. But you showed up all bouncy and happy and.. annoying. Hahaha. :P and now (if I pass UE), I'm about to go to med school with you. Kahit na masungit ka minsan at ang spoiled brat mo, okay lang kasi kung gano ka kaweird, that's also how good a friend you are. So thanks for sharing so much with me. And wg ka na in denial. Mahal mo ako. I know. I feel it. Hahaha! :P I'm kidding. In any case, I love you too. Haha! ;P

2. Jamie Mendoza

Jamie leigh.. If I ever decide to call someone my best friend in college, that would probably be you. You've seen me at my best and at my worst and everything in between. Thanks for listening to me when I have things to rant about. My insecurities, my grades, my future.. and whether I have one. Haha. I know you know I'm always here if you need me even if we're both busy with med school.

3. Kate Coderes

Hello kate. Haha. Ang tagal tagal na natin hindi naguusap. Ano na ba nangyayari sa buhay mo? Anyway, salamat sa lahat ng times na nndyan ka pra makinig sa mga mababaw whatever ko na minsan wala na atang sense. Haha. Hindi na pala ako pwede mging autoload mo dahil wala akong allowance ngyong summer at wla akong load madalas. Magkita nlng tyo sa mcdo katipunan kapag may mga anak na tayo. Ang dami ko ring unforgettable memories with you. Magiging doctor din tayo. Mauuna lng nga ako. Wag ka mag-alala, tulad ng napagusapan natin, ibubully kita kapag ng1st year ka para hindi ka OP. :P

4. Kitchie Montemayor

Yadautskidooshatabootabooquische, ang haba. Kahit lagi ka namin inaasar, hindi magiging pareho ang ateneo kung hindi kita nakilala. Salamat sa pag-gising sa akin tuwing philo at sa sugus mint. :P Haha! I love you kitch! :)

5. Loren Gill

Loren, salamat sa lahat ng jokes. And sa mga random pag-uusap ntin dati nung 2nd year. :P Hahaha. Benta ka tlga sa akin forever. Kahit hindi mo sinusubukan magpatawa, nakakatawa ka pa rin. Kwentuhan mo ako sa kung san ka na after grad at lumabas pa rin tayo kahit nasa med school kami. :)

6. Reese Soco

Hindi tayo masyado nakakapag-usap pero okay lng kasi alam ko nmn na kahit ano mngyri, nndyan ka lng palagi kung kelangan ko ng kausap. Ganun din ako syo so don't hesitate. Haha. :P Wag ka nalang umalis! Or isama mo nlng lahat kami dun tapos pag-aralin mo kami. :P All in the name of y1 barkada. Haha!

7. Regine Balido
Bulido! :) Kamusta na? Hindi na tyo nkkpgusap, namimiss na kita ah! Nmmiss ko na ung bonding sessions ntin over dirty ice cream and jjampong. :) Kamusta nmn mga ngipin ntin. Anyway, sana maulit ung mga un. Pati mga bonding ntin sa regcom and sa aegis. At sa mcdo dahil ng-aaral tyo ng philo. :)) Thank you sa mga walking sessions natin na nag-uusap lng tayo tungkol sa kahit ano. Mamimiss kta kpg ngmed school na ko! :(

8. Samboy Lim

Sambs, can I just say.. nawindang ako sa Lysistrata. :P Haha. Anyway, I'm so proud of you dahil LS Awardee ka. Sorry hindi na ako nakapunta. Sambs, salamat sa pagtyaga sa thesis and sa pagreply sa akin. :P Hahaha. Alam ko minsan ka lng mgreply. Wag ka na rin umalis. Dito ka nlng. Kasi nandito kaming lahat. Haha. :P Thanks sa pakikinig and for always keeping things light with your jokes. Kahit corny, benta pa rin. Narerealize ko lng na corny sya after ko tumawa. :P

9. Sarah Mariano

Kahit lagi mo ko inaasar, nandito ka pa rin. Hahaha. Alam ko naman mahal mo ko eh. Wag ka na magkunwari. Bwaha. Salamat sa panes moments natin. Hindi pa rin ako naaasar. Kahit nilalasing mo ko (oo, ikaw parin ang tingin kong may kasalanan. bwaha) at inaasar palagi. At kinukulit kahit alam mong busy ako at maraming ginagawa. Pero alam ko maaasahan kita palagi. So salamat dun.

10. Sassy Guerrero

Kapatid, Happy, kamusta? Hahaha. Ang dami dami na nangyari since nagkakilala tayo sa regcom. Hindi ko na maalala paano exactly at kung saan, kung prep days ba or work days. Sa batcave ba, batcaf, sa assessment areas.. hindi ko na maalala. Basta alam ko lng, dun nag-umpisa ang lahat. Ang earliest memory ko of you, nung nsa soc sci tyo, 2ndfloor, sumisilip salabas ng window kc tinuturo mo skn si.. after nun, nsa foyer tyo nakaupo lng sa sahig at ngtatawanan. Salamat sa lahat ng tawanan at katuwaan na nangyayari tuwing magkasama tayo. No doubt naman na masaya ang sassy-joy times. Hahaha. Hindi ko makakalimutan lahat un. Tama na rin sa pang-aasar. Walang patutunguhan. Hahaha. At yung dare namin syo, gawin mo na. Ang tagal tagal na nun, nung 1st sem pa. At yung card, ibigay mo na. Pinaghirapan namin hanapin un.

11. Veni Valde

Naging close lng tayo after my first heartache and I've always considered that to be a blessing in disguise. Because of it, I found you and I don't mean this in the cheesy/mushy sort of way. Haha. You and your path to goodwill and righteousness (which we followed so we are both graduating, yey!). Anyway, thank you for putting up with my stubbornness and my sabog-ness. And my rants. I learned a lot from you, not just through our talks, but also through your rants as well. I'm proud to be your favorite Chinese. :) It sounds racist, doesn't it? Haha. We've always had classes together since Cog and we never even talked about what classes we'll take. I knew you were stalking me (HAHA). Visit me in UE or maybe I'll visit you in ASMPH. Basta, we'll see each other cos I know you're gonna miss me. And when I say that, I'm really just saying that I'm gonna miss you too. :)

12. Yumi Mortel
Yumi.. We have so much history together. Haha. Natatawa nalang ako kapag naiisip ko lahat nang nangyari. Back then I didn't think Id be able to just laugh at it but yeah. Hahaha. Friend turned "enemy" turned friend. For what it's worth, she's the only thing I cannot trust you with. I don't mean it in a bad way. I know maiintindihan mo ung sinabi ko and I don't really care if other people don't. I'm glad what happened happened, I learned so much more than I ever could have if it didn't.

=/

2009-03-08T01:48:00.001+08:00

my first ever p.e. class in ateneo: judo.

our first ever lesson: the right way to fall.

in judo, your arms cushion your fall. they're supposed to slam on the floor as soon as possible to take the force away from whichever body part.

we practiced this every class time. we needed to master it. and i believe we did since we all finished the class without any serious injuries.

so 3-4 years have passed. i'm about to graduate and it is only now that i learn..

no matter how many times you take judo, even if u dedicate your life to it and get a black belt..

there is no right way to fall.

in between finals, orals, thesis and research papers

2009-02-24T21:29:00.000+08:00

here's to admitting that even though i want to go to med school, i'm scared.

i'm scared that i might not even make it past 1st year.
i'm scared that even if i get past 1st yr, i might not finish med sch.
i'm scared that even if i finish med sch, i might not pass the boards.
i'm scared that even if i pass the boards, i might not become a doctor.

...

i might not become a doctor.

i'm scared that even if i do become a doctor, i'll realize that it's really not what i want after all.

enough said

2009-02-15T22:15:00.001+08:00

pic from postsecret

54

2009-01-27T21:27:00.000+08:00

happy birthday pa.

revenge

2009-01-25T21:34:00.002+08:00

pic from postsecret

hindi ko alam kung masama ba to kasi gusto niya ng revenge.. or sad ba kasi insecure siya at hindi naniniwalang kaya nyang gawin un.

because it's 4:12am

2009-01-24T04:12:00.001+08:00

I just got a random quote from a friend.

The only way to know someone truly loves you is when after you’ve turned him down, you see him rise from the fall, walk up to you and say, “I love you more now than I ever did before."

Isn't it funny how we sometimes interpret this as sheer stupidity?

I know I do sometimes.

Goodnight.

taking it out on everything else but..

2009-01-21T22:19:00.001+08:00

I finally decided to just blog it out. It' s been bothering me since early afternoon.

I've known for a long time that little things matter to me. They make things special, they keep things from being boring and routine. What I didn't know was that they hurt me as well.

Little things matter.. Something as simple as your address, your phone number, your favorite color, food, whatever. They all matter. Isn't that why they're the questions you ask first when you're "getting to know" someone?

Because when people remember, it shows you they're paying attention. It shows you they care enough to pay attention.

P.S. I'm disappointed in you. How could it be that I only started to talk to her less than a week ago and she knew where I live.. You didn't.

and that's why many people are annoyed at you.

2009-01-13T20:34:00.000+08:00

go away.

on a lighter note

2009-01-09T13:46:00.000+08:00

i was able to watch a rerun of grey's anatomy during the holidays. can i just say, i so delayed in all the tv series i was watching before. i don't even know how to catch up anymore. anyway..

*****

Meredith: I'm not cut out for bright and shiny.
Derek: We can be dull and lifeless together.

*****

I want someone who can be dull and lifeless with me at the moment. I want someone who can be dull and lifeless with me even if it takes me forever to get back on my feet, even if I can never be bright and shiny.

I'm tired of being that person for other people. I want someone to be that person for me, for a change.

rereading old books

2008-12-24T01:44:00.002+08:00

"Hello," I said.
"I've been waiting for you," she said.
I embraced her, rested my head on her shoulder, and began to cry. She stroked my hair, and by the way she touched me I began to understand what I did not want to understand, I began to accept what I did not want to accept.
"I've waited for you in so many ways," she said, when she saw that my tears were abating. "Like a desperate wife who knows that her husband has never understood her life, and that he will never come to her, and so she has no option but to get on a plane and go back, only to leave again after the next crisis, then go back and leave and go back...."
The wind had dropped; the trees were listening to what she was saying.
"I waited as Penelope waited for Ulysses, as Romeo waited for Juliet, as Beatrice waited for Dante. The empty steppes were full of memories of you, of the time we had spent together, of the countries we had visited, of our joys and our battles. Then I looked back at the trail left by my footprints and I couldn't see you.
"I suffered greatly. I realized I had set off on a path of no return and that when one does that, one can only go forward. I went to the nomad I had met before and asked him to teach me to forget my personal history, to open me up to the love that is present everywhere. With him I began to learn about the Tengri tradition. One day, I glanced to one side and saw that same love reflected in someone else’s eyes, in the eyes of a painter called Dos."

I said nothing.
"I was still very bruised. I couldn't believe it was possible to love again. He didn't say much; he taught me to speak Russian and told me that in the steppes they use the word 'blue' to describe the sky even when it's gray, because they know that, above the clouds, the sky is always blue. He took me by the hand and helped me to go through those clouds. He taught me to love myself rather than to love him. He showed me that my heart was at the service of myself and of God, and not at the service of others.
"He said that my past would always go with me, but that the more I freed myself from facts and concentrated on emotions, the more I would come to realize that in the present there is always a space as vast as the steppes waiting to be filled up with more love and with more of life's joy.
"Finally, he explained to me that suffering only occurs when we want other people to love us in the way we imagine we want to be loved, and not in the way that love should manifest itself - free and untrammeled, guiding us with its force and driving us on."
I looked up at her.
"And do you love him?"
"I did."
"Do you still love him?"
"What do you think? If I did love another man and was told that you were about to arrive, do you think I would still be here?"
"No, I don't. I think you've been waiting all morning for the door to open."
"Why ask silly questions, then?"
- The Zahir, Paolo Coelho

hum-de-dum

2008-12-16T00:44:00.000+08:00

a few weeks ago, my mom asked us all to gather in their room and pray for my dad. i told a friend back then that it didn't have the effect my mom wanted. i thought we were all just too restricted by shame and awkwardness to pray with sincerity.

tonight, before praying, my dad decided to give us all a speech on how he accepted God into his life. with bad english at that (just to poke a little humor where it shouldn't be, and just to lighten up this post for the people reading, he graduated from lasalle). he told us that he and my mom made a decision that our family will start to live by the code of Christianity. he told us all about doing good and not being selfish and doing everything in His name.

i found that my dad, even having experienced everything that he has, generally has a grade school student's point of view of God. in other words, as long as you do good, He will spare you from all that is not good. even though he gave reasons as to why he got cancer, he never mentioned his smoking. not once. he said he was selfish because all he thought about back then was earning enough money to support his family and that maybe he wasn't a good enough provider so God decided to give him this.

the whole time he was talking, i was only half-listening. my other half just wanted to tell him he got cancer not because he wasn't a good enough provider but because he smoked his way to it. doing good is not the basis for getting sick, taking care of yourself is. there is always a "tangible" explanation for people getting sick. maybe it's all about the genes, the environment they are constantly exposed to, the things they eat/drink, a biological anomaly or whatever. it's always something.

psychologically speaking, i believe my dad just doesn't want to admit that this is all an effect of his smoking.

PS i am thankful that at least, he's turned christian now. i didn't even know what religion he had before.

out of the blue

2008-12-10T22:18:00.000+08:00

i hate the situations i get myself into, situations that are always incredibly hard to get out of.

most of the time, i feel like an innocent passerby who just happened to be at the wrong place, at the wrong time. but it isn't really about the place or the time, is it?

maybe it's the way i react to everything. maybe it's the way i naturally see things. or maybe, if we really push into all that psychological stuff, i'm just a victim of past experiences that have turned me into an unconscious masochist.

or maybe, it's as simple as believing and trusting that the next time would be better.

why i love reading postsecret

2008-12-05T22:30:00.004+08:00

pic from postsecret

celmol and its usefulness

2008-11-28T22:21:00.000+08:00

joy: ven, you're a ligand.
ven: you're my binding site.

how's that for a nerdy way of saying..

"you complete me"?

Pamaskong Hiling

2008-11-28T17:20:00.002+08:00

Be like Santa! Sponsor a young girl from Cribs New Beginnings or Laura Vicuña Foundation by making her simple Christmas wish come true through Pamaskong Hiling.

You can also make the children in Redeemer's Home (REDS) smile this Christmas by making a wish and donating baby necessities such as diapers through the Wish Tree! Just drop by Kostka Extension from Dec. 2-5 (sign-ups) and Dec. 8-12 (gift collection).

Make Christmas more meaningful and fun for you and the kids.
For any questions, please contact Katrina Lee (09178117891) , Mariel Batingal (09277907326) , Jamie Yap (09065090194) , Vicente Tanseco (09178902901)

Join Tugon's Pamaskong Hiling!

Here in Tugon, we make kids happy, especially during Christmas!

mo twister

2008-11-22T17:28:00.001+08:00

"Dumb people have the best relationships. Smart people notice all the details."

now, this is feminism.

2008-11-15T20:02:00.001+08:00

My prof for Th151, Sir Aguas, proclaims he is a feminist. So much so that according to him..

"If I were a woman, I would certainly be a lesbian."

i find this extremely amusing. or maybe it's just me. :P

rods of moses

2008-11-11T19:56:00.001+08:00

First class in hypnosis.. I was psyched to have Fr. Bu as my professor. Hello, si Fr. Bu un. If it wasn't for him, baka walang psychology sa Pilipinas.

Anyway, we played with rods of moses for our first meeting. They are rods made of brass, size 16. You hold them perpendicular to the ground then raise them up in front of you, parallel to each other. Your thumbs aren't supposed to touch the rod, by the way. You ask any question and wait for the rods to move. If they move away from each other, the answer's no. If they move inward and cross each other, the answer's yes.

We took turns asking a whole lot of questions. We asked trivial questions which turned into serious ones. I asked a lot. I swear, curiosity will be the death of me. I think it's the reason why I get into trouble or get hurt often. I'm too curious for my own good.

I asked about my dad's cancer, about other people, about school.. The answer's I got.. They were disappointing. Painful, even.

During the discussion, the TA told us not to ask dangerous questions because they could become self-fulfilling prophecies. It was too late though. I've already asked too many dangerous questions. Again, curiosity.

I want to know how they work. Fr. Bu says it's the unconscious. If it's my unconscious moving it, how come the rods move even when I'm holding the rods and some other person is thinking of a question I don't know about? Does it mean that the answers I get are really just what I believe in? How does it work..?

I'm probably just looking for an explanation behind everything. Something I can use to counter the answers I got.. They ruined my day. There are just some questions you don't want to "hear" the answer to even if you already know them.. Answers you don't want to confirm.

I don't need another self-fulfilling prophecy in my life. I think I've had enough.

On a lighter note, here's one question that really amused me. Natawa nalang kaming lahat.
Kate: Magkakaboyfriend ba si Joy? (take note, pakana lng yan ni kate.)
Rods: Yes. (WOW. Hello boyfriend.)

the love we deserve

2008-11-10T21:43:00.001+08:00

pic from postsecret

so in the end, it's all a matter of self-worth?

fiesta

2008-10-30T19:39:00.001+08:00

at least i have proven one thing..

living with the guilt IS easier.

signing off

2008-10-29T17:29:00.000+08:00

i don't wanna blog in multiply anymore.. i don't know why but it doesn't serve the same purpose as it once did.

i always thought blogs are supposed to be somewhat therapeutic.

for some reason, i don't feel better anymore everytime i write something down here. so yeah. i'll be posting pics and maybe videos if there are any. and probably promotional stuff too.

but for my thoughts and feelings, not anymore.

my friends know where to reach me. that's all i really care about.

a love story

2008-10-28T16:07:00.000+08:00

napanood ko lng sya ulit sa cinema1.

Maricel: Lahat ng tama, masakit sa una. Siguro dadating rin ung panahon, pasasayahin din tayo.
Aga: Alam mo minsan, minsan naisip ko, papano kaya kung ikaw yung una kong minahal?
Maricel: Hindi nga eh. Ayoko ng may pangpuno sa kulang. Ayoko na ng may sinasaktan ako. Kaya hindi na kita pwedeng mahalin.
Aga: Thank you.

*****

ngayon ko lang naisip na kahit anong mangyari, 3rd party ka prin, whether u know na 3rd party ka or not. and like a friend once told me..

"you know it's bad and you'd tell yourself you won't do it. but sometimes you find yourself in situations you don't want to be in. and there's nothing else you could do but fight for what you want."

i wish life was as "perfect" as the movies. na kahit may masamang mangyari, what's right always wins in the end. kahit may masaktan, lahat masaya prn when the film is over.

hindi ba ang saya kapag ganun? kasi there would be no doubt na magiging okay ang lahat. it's the kind of predictability that would benefit everyone.

losing a bit of idealism

2008-10-24T23:46:00.000+08:00

i went to high street with a friend today.

we walked around. we watched people. we talked about the past, the present, the future.

all the talking made me remember a lot of things. and all that i remembered made me realize something..

i recently made a gift for a friend a few days ago. i showed it to some people for comments and okay naman, positive. i love my hands and im proud of what they can do. i can create something out of nothing but not only that, i can fix things. i can destroy things and put them back together again. i can even fix things i didn't take apart.

but there's a catch to this.

the things i really want to fix the most are the things i destroyed that, unfortunately, my hands can't fix.

*****

"Humans are always leaving.. Life is all about people leaving."
- Susan Hubbard, The Society of S

so what makes you any different?

that's "you", in general, by the way.

am i really this devoid of emotion?

2008-10-21T00:48:00.000+08:00

monday, october 13
my mom texted me around 1+ in the afternoon. she told me about the results of my dad's ct scan. his main cancer tumor in the lungs shrunk by 50% and the mass in his spine can't be seen anymore except for a little swelling. however, some small nodules increased in size and he still has 2 brain tumors. according to the doctor, the results are good overall.

i know i blogged about my dad's cancer a while back and i remember mentioning i wanted something to happen - good or bad, just so i could find out how i would react. and here it is. ito na. may nangyari na. his condition changed for the better. and even after that.. nr pa rin ako.

im supposed to be happy. relieved. grateful. im grateful bec my mom has renewed hope but im not grateful that he's better. im not happy nor am i relieved, which is logical in the sense that i wasn't sad or worried in the 1st place for me to be happy or relieved now. but the bigger picture tells me that the appropriate reaction would be to feel things i'm not feeling.

i don't know if i'm just too disconnected with myself that i can't even decipher my own emotions. i honestly don't think this is the case. sino bang aamin dyan? but then, i would take this explanation any day rather than admit that maybe i'm "selectively emotionally incapable".

i don't have any more excuses. i realized that yes, ma'am ramos is right when she said love still has to be earned. i realized that i do have many bad experiences w/ my dad and i'm still probably going to have them. i also realized though, that my whole life isn't filled w/ bad memories of him. there are good ones as well. but despite my last realization, i can't seem to bring myself to feel anything.

this is my father. without him, i wouldn't be in ateneo. even though he is technically just half of me genetically, less of me physically and probably none of me personality-wise, without him, i wouldn't even be here.

i want to care..

and now that i'm writing this sentence, another realization hits me like a slap in the face.

i want to care not bec he's my father. i want to care bec i feel, or rather know, that that is what's expected of me.

books books books

2008-10-18T12:11:00.000+08:00

i have a list of all the books i want to read. and everytime i go into a bookstore, bumili man ako or nde, the list just gets longer.

1. Plain Truth - Jodi Picoult
2. Change of Heart - Jodi Picoult
3. Mercy - Jodi Picoult
4. Betrayed - Lindsey Harris
5. Human Traces - Sebastian Faulks
6. The Gathering - Anne Enright
7. Gossamer - Louis Lowry
8. Dive from Clausen's Pier - Ann Packer
9. The Kindness of Strangers - Katrina Kittle
10. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
11. Case Histories - Kate Atkinson
12. The Shakespeare Secret - Jennifer Lee Carrell
13. Brida - Paulo Coelho

on where im headed

2008-10-17T23:10:00.000+08:00

i went to ateneo this morning to fix things needed for med school. i was walking towards mvp until it hit me.

there were 4 months left. 4 months that would definitely breeze through and it would all be over before i know it.

i experienced a lot in ateneo. i flew all the way to heaven, fell down to earth and dug my way up from down below. quoting ven, "we experienced the world".

i felt then, that i didn't want to go to med anymore. i want to stay here. i want to stay where i am right now, where everything is safe and familiar. med school sounds so difficult, so scary, so cold and intimidating.

it sounds like something i can't handle.

when i saw my certificate of good moral character, i remembered that this is my dream. this is what i've wanted to be ever since i started signing autograph books. sure, i may have been confused along the way, but this is still what i want to be.

i should probably let go of everything i'm scared of and just go for it. i found that everything i do, when mixed w/ fear, turns out to be half-baked. there are only a few things in my life which didn't end up that way.

and i want med school to be a part of those few things.

happy song

2008-10-17T23:09:00.000+08:00

Now - mymp

Now is all I know
Now is all I got
And I don’t know
If there will be tomorrow for us.

Now is all I care about
Now that you are here
Now that you’re the contents of my heart.

Now you’re all I know
Now is all I promise
And I don’t know
If there will be a future for us.

Now is all I live for
Now that you are near
And it was best that from the start it was clear.

Loving is not owning
We can let it go
We can let it go.

Loving is not owning
You can let me go
You can let me go.

There’s a reason
Why we love each other now
And we don’t know if this is forever.

There’s a reason
Why we are together now
And we don’t care if it’s not forever now.

Now is all I think about
Now that I am happy
And I’m not sure
If there will be a future for us.

Now is all I offer
It’s everything I got
And I still wish
That there will be a tomorrow for us.

narinig ko lng sya kanina tpos naaliw ako kc ang saya nung kanta. hahaha.

damn

2008-10-14T01:08:00.000+08:00

can't sleep.

grar.

saturday

2008-10-04T18:32:00.000+08:00

pagod.

crazy day.

anyway, un lang.

62-51

2008-09-25T23:47:00.001+08:00

not sleeping and going to school at 3:30am just to line up for tickets was SOOOO worth it!!!

finally.. BONFIRE BONFIRE BONFIRE!!!! :P

champTIUn na tayo!!! (o relax, hindi ako gumawa niyan. banner yan sa game knna. bwaha!)

today was perfect. :) stress from acads, rain, and all. it's still, hands down, PERFECT.

episode 1

2008-09-23T02:28:00.000+08:00

"You're my mess."

"I wanna be selfish with you."

it's 2:30. i just finished my case study and instead of studying for my thesis defense, i watch one tree hill.

hooray for priorities.

oth gets me everytime. :)

watching from home

2008-09-21T18:25:00.000+08:00

69-61

we woooon! :) WOOHOOO!

ayun lng.

okay, theo na ulit. at ab psy.

because i'm high

2008-09-20T19:36:00.000+08:00

i'm not a psy major anymore.

i'm a theo major now.

STRESS.

matapos lng tong sem na to e.

*****

random statements

1. nkkstress ka. pro ok lng. kc masaya. :)

2. timezone is for destressing. :D

3. i miss the reds babies. :(

4. RPG turned out to be really fun. yey plus 3! :P

5. i don't have load at the moment. grar. i can't reply to anyone. :|

theo-ing

2008-09-16T02:03:00.000+08:00

hello 10-15 page outline.

current # of pages: 5

at talagang pinagaksayahan ko pa ng oras ang pagblog ha.

sudden realization a few minutes ago:

it's funny how one minute, you want to turn back time then the next, you're excited to see what lies ahead. it's not really what happens during a moment in time that makes things worth reliving, it's more of who you're spending it with.

...

outline na ulit.

aftertheo recording

2008-09-10T12:23:00.000+08:00

there can only be so much i can say to the people around me.

sometimes, what matters more is presence. i feel different around some people and even more different when i'm with you. i hide less of myself.

things are good, i think. in my point of view, at least.

sassy is singing beside me. and as she sang just a few seconds ago, i guess i can speak for sassy and myself when i quote:

"you give me something, it makes me scared.. and the words that i could never say, are gonna come out anyway.."

Enough Abuse: Break them free from the silence!

2008-09-10T01:28:00.000+08:00

1 out of 3 Filipino children are victims of sexual abuse.The statistics will continue grow, the abuse will continue to happen, and the victims will continue to live in fear.All because we choose to stay quiet. All because we choose to ignore this reality.

But now, it's time to put an end to put an end to the silent epidemic.

Enough secrets. Enough shame. Enough hurt. Enough confusion. Enough denial.

ENOUGH ABUSE.

Enough Abuse Campaign

Sept. 8 - 12, 2008

Colayco Pavilion

Be informed.

Visit our exhibit and learn more about the facts.Learn more about the issue in the education session on Sept. 8, 430, CTC 118.

Make a stand.

Who's with us? Let's have a show of hands.Show the world that you've had enough. Leave a mark in our handprinting booth.

Spread the word.

Buy a wristband, wear it, and tell everyone you know about it!

Join us as we say ENOUGH ABUSE.Join us as we help these victims break free from the trap of silence.Join us as we rediscover the color of childhood.

-*-

Tugon is an organization of the Ateneo that addresses the plight ofabandoned babies and girls who are survivors of sexual abuse.

For more information, visit http://tugon.wordpress.com

well..

2008-09-07T22:50:00.000+08:00

that was stupid.

frustrateng

2008-09-04T23:29:00.000+08:00

things could be so much better.

but they're not.

and i'm stuck right here, where it sucks.

sbi nga nila ven dti, rewind.

better yet, where's the reset button?

today was..

2008-09-02T20:50:00.000+08:00

okay. good even. :)

even if i only read less than half of the pages for the ab psy quiz, i think i did okay.

even if i literally fell asleep in physics (ehe), i don't feel i missed anything. (duh, it's physics. i can not take it and i'd still feel as if i didn't miss anything)

even if i'm really stressed over a lot of things, they seem to be working themselves out bit by bit.

so there. i had a good day.

this is one of the few moments i'm glad i'm wrong. :)

case study

2008-08-29T19:57:00.000+08:00

i was able to watch one episode of mr. bean. ung totoong tao a, not the cartoon. to tell you the truth, nakakainis sya panoorin.

and theeeen.. i saw my abnormal psy book.

mr. bean is perfectly "psychologically-challenged".

Diagnosis: Schizophrenia
Symptoms:
1. asociality - his only friend is teddy, who's a stuffed bear. his girlfriend, if you can even call her that, probably feels invisible.
2. alogia (poverty of speech) - how many words does he say in 1 show? bilang pa ata sa isang kamay.
3. flat affect - just wait for it.
4. disorganized behaviour – i don’t even have to explain this.

if i could do a case study on a fictional character, mr. bean would be it.

to my immersion-mates

2008-08-18T16:01:00.000+08:00

Sorry but my net's busted. Nasa internet shop ako ngayon. I PROMISE TO UPLOAD PICTURES AS SOON AS I CAN. :D

To my sister Cor, namimiss na daw tayo ni nanay at tatay. hahahaha! :P

came from the hospital

2008-08-10T21:29:00.000+08:00

less than a month ago, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. from his lungs, the cancer spread to his bones.

a few days ago, i heard my dad talking to his friend when he suddenly stuttered and his words were reduced to a single syllable. only 3 people witnessed this. me, my mom,and my dad's friend.

my mom talked to me about it and asked me whether i had any idea of what could have caused it. i told her to get a doctor to check my dad's brain.

last thursday, my dad was hospitalized 3 days earlier than what was scheduled. he was supposed to be admitted today for chemo. they found 2 cancer tumors in his brain.

*****

i'm still pretty much nr about the whole thing. i did wish the doctor's won't find anything. but they did. and i'm still here, still nr, still not sad about it. i don't want to say i'm apathetic because it sounds so bad. but i'm starting to think that maybe i am.

TUGON Spellympics Battle for Greatness 08.08.08

2008-07-30T21:14:00.000+08:00

TUGON
In cooperation with Havaianas, Med Central, Health Matrix, and Miyan Food Corporation

Presents

SPELLYMPICS:

BATTLE FOR GREATNESS

Watch the tables turn as members of the faculty and administrative staff
battle it out in Ateneo's first ever spelling bee!

08.08.08
430-6 PM.
Escaler Hall.

Tickets will be sold for Php 50 in Colayco Pav from Aug. 4-8.
You may also pledge for your favorite teacher/staff member! Approach any TUGON member, or visit the ticket booth.

SOM
Mr. Ricky Pilar
Mr. Eugene Refuerzo
Mr. Alyson Yap

SOSS
Mr. Jose Tirol
Mr. David Lozada
Mr. Neville Manaois

SOH
Mr. Ariel Diccion
Mr. Miggy Escano
Mr. Jethro Tenorio

SOSE
Mr. Ronald Cruz
Dr. Gross
Mr. Truscott

Admin
Ms. Julie Bagasbas (OSA)
Ate Alma (SEC B Photocopy)

-*-

For more information, contact:
Clement Huang (09178948264)
Lens Bello (09178830906)
Enteng Tanseco (09178902901)
tugon.ateneo@gmail.com

TUGON is an organization that addresses the plight of
abandoned babies and girls who are survivors of sexual abuse.

http://tugon.multiply.com

ab psy reporting

2008-07-26T02:53:00.000+08:00

[2:53]

Samboy and I are in Ven's house, doing our ab psy reporting.

Mukhang hindi kami matutulog kasi nasobrahan kami ng MAGIS.

If the walls in ven's house could talk, they'd complain of aching ears and shattered eardrums. We've been singing boy band songs (plus super old jologs songs. i.e. alipin) the whole night to keep us awake and entertained.

at dahil dyan..

GO BEST THESIS!

say a prayer

2008-07-24T01:31:00.000+08:00

"Music to the Days is like... like the air fresherner is to the D Room. It's not it, but the it is not quite it without it. You don't go to the D Room because of the fragrance, but without its fragrance the D Room does not feel quite the same. Music adds that extra quality to the Days' activities. Thousands of dazers out there will listen to these songs with stomach-cramping nostalgia. Some of the songs will inspire a dream, some will haunt the mind, all will tease the memory and touch the heart. Listening to them, many a Dazer will close his eyes and allow himself to be transported to those evenings at the Days, enchanted, unforgettable evenings, rich in experiences that leave a sweet-smelling, indelible mark in the soul."
- The late Fr. Mena, S.J.

I borrowed my brother's days cd. I didn't listen to it, I knew all the songs by heart. I was just browsing through the cd booklet when I saw what Fr. Mena had to say in the end.

I'm sure Fr. Mena would be a stranger to most people, except to the icans and xaverians who listen to him say mass in school and to those who go to mass at MTQ. He was one of the more famous priests. And last July 14th, I found out that he died after years of fighting cancer. I never really knew him, I was never as close to him as I was to Fr. Leon (who's now retired in Ateneo, btw). Though this is the case, I still feel a certain sense of sadness.

Fr. Mena's right, what he said above was right. It may only be understood by dazers, but still, he nailed it, what most people try to describe but never quite seem to do correctly. At least not as accurate as this. I still remember how I strived to hold on to my own days memories, trying to keep them as vivid as possible, trying to hold on to the whole weekend itself. So much that I got tired. Not of going to the weekends and singing to the dazers, but of the longing. Most first times are special because everything else that follows won't be able to compare to the first. I doubt you would still experience the days high the 2nd time. There are things that can happen only once in your life, things that created such a big change in you, you don't want to let go. I don't know when I stopped longing and I don't really want to know. But after reading Fr. Mena's message, here I am again.

I looked for the palanca Ven gave me, I signed it. The first palanca I signed in.. I don't know. It made me think of how long I have really been.. "away". And though I was ashamed at first because I haven't done it in such a long time, I was able to recreate the D Room. I locked the door, closed the lights, sprayed glade (it really is different without the scent), closed my eyes and talked. To Kuya. I've forgotten how good it feels to be able to say everything and know that you are still loved, not less, but even more than before.

Fr. Mena, I hope you know that you're still capable of doing what you did your whole life. May you rest in peace.

10% matters

2008-07-13T02:53:00.000+08:00

My brother was watching a Michael Moore documentary, SiCKO. Since we were in the same room, I unintentionally ended up watching some of it as well. I didn't get to watch the whole thing but whatever I was able to watch was enough.

I wanted to go to med school and was half-planning on practicing in another country. I was thinking of going to UST because it was acknowledged in the US. However, after watching SiCKO, I changed my mind. I still want to go to med and I will. But I definitely won't practice in the US.

Many of the people there don't have medical insurance. Since healthcare for them is really expensive, some people result to doing minor surgery on themselves. Through the documentary, I found out that their medical personnel are required to reject 10% of their patients. That's a quota they have to reach. If you reject more than 10%, you get a bonus. If their patients can't pay, they put them on a taxi and send them to another hospital. A woman who had a few broken ribs and a broken collarbone was thrown out into the streets (in a hospital gown) because she didn't have the money to pay. A group of Americans who became ill from volunteering at 911 Ground Zero were refused health coverage for their illnesses. They were ferried to Cuba and they were able to receive the best medical care. For free. And the only information needed for them to "check-in" were their names and birthdays.

If a 3rd world country can provide this kind of medical care for their citizens and for other people, why can't a supposedly 1st world country do the same? If the price of being paid well is this, then I'd rather work somewhere else that pays less but provides the best available.

A lot of people have already told me that there's actually a shortage of doctors, not just in the Philippines but worldwide. Well, if all doctors were required to reject at least 10% of the people who come to them for help, then how can there ever be enough?

wasting time

2008-07-06T00:43:00.000+08:00

I just got home from gh. I watched Wanted with my parents and my sister.

Thoughts on the movie? Hmm..

Paranoid people shouldn't watch it.

Ayun lng.

I'm bored..

hum de dum..

bugs bunny incident

2008-07-04T21:42:00.000+08:00

Sassy and I were in the Aegis room talking to one of the members. I was talking and everything was going so smoothly when I suddenly had a Freudian slip. I hate it, it was too obvious.

Henako.

I'm taking this as a sign. The past week, I almost slipped thrice before this happened. I thought I made it through the week. Hindi pala. Grar. My unconscious is telling me something.

Nakakaasar ang nangyari kanina.

for the last time

2008-06-30T23:16:00.000+08:00

something really sad happened today. a teaching assistant in the philo department committed suicide. less than an hour after i got to school, rumors already filled ateneo. i was quietly reading biochem inside the aegis room when someone told us about what happened. accdg to the person, the guy committed suicide, but died of natural causes, and burned himself to death. (anu daw?)

anyway, the point of this post is, since the news spread, i've been hearing lots of people say he must have been crazy or had some sort of mental illness. when i got home, my mom also assumed the same thing. but the thing is, you don't have to be "crazy" to commit suicide. that's why most people are surprised when someone they know does it. because even perfectly sane people are capable of killing themselves. you just need the right amount of motivation, for lack of a better term, and the means to do so.

i'm definitely not an expert on the topic but i believe it's really insensitive for people to instantly think he's crazy just because he committed suicide.

this proves it

2008-06-29T21:21:00.001+08:00

i just got home from xavier cos my little brother had his Days with the Lord this weekend. in the 30-45 minutes that I was there, i saw..

1) my friend's blockmate who had to reintroduce himself to me because i didn't remember him (sorry :P)
2) a whole family i could only vaguely remember until something just clicked in my head

who would have thought that your relative (cousin?) and my brother are classmates?

akala ko, ateneo lng ang maliit. hindi pala.

ang LIIT LIIT LIIT LIIT pla tlga ng mundo.

finalleh!

2008-06-23T11:33:00.000+08:00

May net na ulit kami! :)

YEEEEEEEEEEEY!

ayun lng.

live my life for me

2008-06-09T22:20:00.000+08:00

i got to talk to a friend yesterday ata or the other day. and wala lang, napaisip lng ako.

since i decided i'd go to med school, i knew there'd be a day i'd be too scared i'd doubt my decision. and today is it.

i haven't taken the nmat yet and i actually don't want to think about it. everyone's saying it's just a formality. well, maybe it is. but even if it's just that, even if it doesn't really have any bearing on which med school accepts me, i still want to do well in it. just because it's the 1st step i'm taking towards the medical world.

if it was all up to want, i'd be a guaranteed doctor by now. and i know i won't fall short when it comes to determination. but a few years ago, i learned that intelligence is determined by the number of capital letters in your genes. i'd go as far as saying i have a fair amount of capital letters here and there. i'm not dumb. i know there are no dumb people. i really believe that. but there are definitely people who just aren't smart enough. what if..?

grar.

2008-06-05T23:16:00.000+08:00

gusto ko na matulog. as in ngayon na.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz.........

pero madami pa akong kelangan gawin.

boink boink boink.

RegCom

2008-06-03T22:17:00.000+08:00

I just got home a few minutes ago and guess what I found out..

May blisters ako sa toes! Yeeeey.

It was especially tiring today...
My feet are killing me, literally.
I had a few good talks with a new friend (hindi naman tlga new) and the usual sometimes-meaningless-sometimes-meaningful-but-always-funny talks with my old ones.
I still can't figure out where you saw this white lady, seryoso, wala akong nakita even though i was practically staring at the place you guys were pointing at.

P.S. I forgot to say that last week, Sas and I (accompanied by Meong) went to McDo for lunch. And because we were pressed for time, nagdrive through kami.

P.P.S. We didn't have a car. Yes, you guessed right. We walked through the drive through. :)

Aegis 09 Get Up and Go!

2008-06-02T21:13:00.000+08:00

Application Forms will be handed out at the ID Validation area in Kostka 202.
For concerns and inquiries, email us at ateneoaegis09@ gmail.com

feasting on ice cream and fries

2008-05-28T23:39:00.000+08:00

Sass, Calvs, Reg and I went to Jollibee after RegCom to celebrate someone's grades. :) Upgraded to Kwatro Kid ka na, kapatid. CONGRATULATIONS! >:D<

Anyway, she bought us ice cream and cheesy fries. And because that definitely wasn't enough for us, we bought 2 more large fries and a regular one (para hindi naman sabihin ng Jollibee na nghhoard kami ng fries). :)

Ice cream and fries are definitely a tested-and-proven-yummy combination, satisfying in all its unhealthiness. But the best always comes from the company, the laughter and the bonding time.

To more good times!
To more laugh trips!
To Fab4! :)

lalalalala

2008-05-27T23:08:00.000+08:00

I'm back from the Land of Smiles. It's really just like the Philippines except:

1. it's waaaaay cleaner
2. make a joke about their king and everyone will be angry (here, make a joke about our president and most will laugh with you)
3. they wear color coded clothes for when you want to honor the king (it's not required though. monday's yellow. un lng naalala ko. :P)
4. people are more friendly and welcoming here, prettier too. :P except sa guys, kpg sa guys, cguro pantay lng.
5. real thai food is sold in the streets (wala silang mga carinderia. what they have are "isaw/fishball" type stalls and a couple of plastic table and chairs around or behind it. and for some reason, my mom says it's okay to eat street food in all countries except the Philippines. wierd.)
6. fruits are much much MUCH sweeter (not to mention, bigger)
7. their malls open late and close early
8. no flies (at least I didn't see any, kahit around the street food, wala)
9. come to think of it, there weren't any street children as well
10. their beggars hands were always in the "thank you" position even if noone gives them anything, like they're thanking you for letting them sit there and beg
11. their monks have ipods and buy the latest canon cameras
12. they have a super nice airport
13. food there is really cheap (except if u eat fastfood or american food)
14. it's not as tourist friendly as here (few speak english and those who do are hard to understand)
15. it's a few degrees hotter

The trip was great. But it's great to be back in a place where you can understand what everybody says. Even if it's dirtier and smellier and all. It's good to be back home. :)

there are no glitches when it comes to happiness -reese

2008-05-17T19:28:00.001+08:00

My cousin, my sister and I went swimming today at Serendra One. We walked around a bit then had dinner at Italianni's afterwards. While walking, we saw a gay couple..

Cousin: Uy, tingnan mo, sila ba?
Me: Ewan ko. Bakit, mukha bang sila?
*at this point, we saw that they were holding hands and were being teased by their other 2 friends
Cousin: Nyek, sila nga. Kadiri naman.
Me: Kung san sila masaya.

-----

During dinner, our parents were chatting among themselves when they called our attention.

Mom: Ung anak ni Auntie *toot*, may dinownload na game sa computer, parang tamagotchi. Pero ung aalagaan mo, tao. Kapag lumaki na ung tao, pwede syang mag-asawa. Tapos ung game, nakita niya na pwedeng mag-asawa ang lalaki at lalaki, pwede rin babae atsaka babae. Tinanong niya kay Auntie *toot* kung bakit ganun tapos syempre, nagulat si Auntie *toot*.
Aunt 1: Bakit may mga games na ganyan? Tinuturuan nila ung mga bata ng mga maling bagay. Dapat bnban ung mga games na gnyn, mga tao tlga. Hindi ba nila alam na that is against God's will?
Me: Baka naman glitch lng un sa game.

*****

.....

kung saan ako masaya.

at hindi lng sya glitch.

that 150 hours was a hell of a lot faster than i thought

2008-05-14T15:40:00.000+08:00

I just got home from my practicum. I'm done. Natapos ko na ang 150 hours.. I'm gonna miss the people there, the kids too..

Because of Alres-Phils:
- i find myself singing/humming Barney songs in the shower
- everytime i see a toy store, i go inside and look at the babies/little children section
- i was introduced and am now addicted to theraputty
- i could care less if someone burped loud enough for everyone to hear

Things I learned:
- medicine ball + semi-bald hyper kid = an emergency trip to the dentist and lots of pain
- circle time serves a purpose other than to "kill time"
- watching kids play can be incredibly relaxing
- special children are smart, they just need someone to help them show it to everyone else
- having parents who can't accept their child's diagnosis is equal to having no parents at all
- true happiness is any happiness you get from people who are experts at being happy, children
- work is anything you have to do, if the description includes "fun", it isn't work

after 5 years

2008-05-12T20:23:00.000+08:00

Brooke: Do you ever wanna go back? I remember being 16 and everything seemed much easier. Would you do it differently?

Lucas: I'd try to appreciate the things I took for granted. But I think we have to go through all those stuff, you know, to get to the place that we wanna be.

- One Tree Hill 515

生活继续

:(

what if

and after a long time.. I blog again

hay

hello

facebook statuses

and so it is..

from delusionality.blogspot.com

i want to stop wishing this everytime december rolls in

*poof*

Happenings

ranting

forgot where i got this..

http://shirtsavenue.multiply.com/

just finished watching She's All That..

Bucket List

-

here we go again

crap

withdrawal

so what's new?

why?

gray matters

now who's crying, desiring to come back to me

injections injections injections

i'll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it

is it really supposed to be like this?

<3 - <3

ched announcement

straight people don't have excuses for being straight

while i was swimming

Why do superheroes have a name?

X

wholesome

i beg to differ

because i haven't posted in a while

yumi's right

12 postcards

=/

in between finals, orals, thesis and research papers

enough said

54

revenge

because it's 4:12am

taking it out on everything else but..

and that's why many people are annoyed at you.

on a lighter note

rereading old books

hum-de-dum

out of the blue

why i love reading postsecret

celmol and its usefulness

Pamaskong Hiling

mo twister

now, this is feminism.

rods of moses

the love we deserve

fiesta

signing off

a love story

losing a bit of idealism

am i really this devoid of emotion?

books books books

on where im headed

happy song

damn

saturday

62-51

episode 1

watching from home

because i'm high

theo-ing

aftertheo recording

Enough Abuse: Break them free from the silence!

well..

frustrateng

today was..

case study

to my immersion-mates

poof