frustrated

we went to sm last sunday to shop for shoes and restring my brother's guitar.we ended up eating dinner in lemongrass instead of sticking to the "do what we have to do and leave" plan.while eating, my mom saw her friend.she stayed and they talked for awhile.she was looking for a couple of books for her daughter's book review.they were unbelievably hard to find.the books teachers give nowadays...tsk tsk...

for some reason, they were talking about me...in front of me...wierd.most of my teachers were my siser's teachers as well.and everytime my mother goes to school and gets to meet some of my teachers, she never fails to mention my sister's name.this would then lead to the teacher asking if we were related then eventually, to the teacher knowing that we are actually sisters.and when they find out, they become surprised. "magkapatid c jan and joy?!talaga?!they're so different.how could that be?" -> yan daw ang mga sinasabi ng mga teacher, according to my mother.my mother's friend gave a comment which surprisingly, hurt me.sabi nya "bakit daw?c jan daw ung good tapos c joy daw ung bad?haha."everyone just laughed.so did i.

thing is, i was never an honor student.i even get grades in the line of 7.i seldom recited willingly.i never got perfect scores during lq's and pt's.i never became president of a club.i never became a class officer.i was never asked to represent or participate in any contest or whatsoever.i was never anything like my sister.

there was a time in my life that i was most probably considered the black sheep by my family.but things have changed...i have changed.sure, out of the 4 of us (4 kaming magkakapatid) im the only one who actually has the guts to answer my dad back.kung tingin ko mali sya talagang sinasagot ko sya.and nababara ko sya a mind you.even my mother's afraid of doing that.before, i took pleasure in seeing my dad squirm because he couldn't find anything else to counter me.but that was before.i've stopped doing that a long time ago.i had a once-in-a-lifetime experience and because of that i changed.people who knew me before 2nd year could testify to that.and they've accepted me as what i have become.they've learned to "forget" who i used to be.

*****

To my family,
im not asking you to change.i just want you to accept who i am right now.
you're my family after all.atchie's good in studying, computers and etc.im good at other things.why don't you appreciate that?you keep comparing me to atchie when i dont want to be like her.i want to be my own person.i'll join whichever org i want to join, i'll go back to fc and mc if i want to, i'll keep serving in the DWTL, i'll keep doing everything i love to do.stop forcing me to be more fashionable, more "in", more like my sister.im not rebelling, im just doing my own thing.we're two different people, you have to understand that.
i have a wider range of friends.i have friends from ages 4 to at least 26.there's nothing wrong with that.so what if i have friends who you think are gay, so what if i have friends who drink...a lot, and smoke...a lot, who do not know how to speak chinese.you should be happy that im not discriminating.im old enough to know if my friends are bad influences.and im old enough to be responsible for myself.if you only knew how many times i've been invited to drink but have turned down the offer, how many times i've been asked to smoke but refused, how many times i've been tempted to sneak out but decided against it.im not as bad as you think i am.i just want to be me.stop trying to change me into who you want me to be.i have plans for myself.and if those plans are enough for me, then they should be enough for you.
i cannot tell you that i haven't made wrong decisions.i've made thousands of wrong decisions.but they're part of life.that's how i learn.you have to allow me to make mistakes.so when i look back at my life, it would be worth something.
you have to let me have my sad moments.there is no such thing as happiness if there is no sadness after all.
this is my life.let me live it the way i want to live it.dont live it for me.you can guide me, by all means please do.just dont, please dont, take over it.
i promise i wont do anything stupid that might destroy my life.if i do, i give you every right to take over.but unless that happens, dont.