blogging has started to become a chore. i don't know why.
blogging used to be fun and relaxing for me. but it's been more of stressful lately. whenever i start to write, i end up not posting it anyway because i don't finish it. i lose interest somewhere between writing and publishing.
im keeping the web add but im transferring it to my old blog. my 1st ever blog. 2 weeks from now. that should be enough time for people to read this entry.
this blog feels like old newspaper really. you ignore it because it's become useless. but you keep it at home for, i don't know. newspaper drives? or for when you need something to clean dog poop with. it just feels old. and i feel like im just waiting for when i have the time to throw it away.
i believe this blog doesn't serve the same purpose it once did. so many things have changed. maybe because the way i see things and people have changed. and i think the way people see me have changed as well.
so to finally end this blog:
1. thank you to the friends i have who have stuck around no matter how invisible i may seem to you, or you to me.
2. thank you to the new friends i have made in uerm. you guys make the place a whole lot better.
3. thank you to my roomie and ahmad domado (yes, special mention ka kahit d mo alam tong blog na to). for studying with me and for trying to stay up with me. and for putting up with my antics.
4. thank you to my family. i think that's self-explanatory.
5. thank you to Jess.. You're the best.
i want to know everything. i want to know every little detail, cos i'm curious that way. i want to know everything u can tell me bec sometimes, i like to think u also want to know everything. about me, about my past.. about the people i loved.
but at the same time, i don't. cos i'd know every word u'd say would hurt and every minute we'd spend talking about it would be agony. and because when u start saying things, i'd start wishing u never started.
maybe right now, all i really want to know is, do you feel like this too?
but i really do want to know everything.
no. i don't.
Yesterday, Lyn, our helper was admitted to UERM's ICU Charity Ward. I went to visit her after class. Super payat na nya. I mean, payat naman na sya dati pero when I saw her, I almost didn't recognize her. Her diagnosis - thyroid storm. It's what happens when you have a thyroid problem and you don't drink your meds. I arrived almost 4, I stayed until around 5:15.
When I got there, I was still able to talk to her. She was still responding to the doctors, kahit mahina na sya. Pinasok sya sa ICU kc daw, tumaas bigla ung HR nya beyond the normal range. So ayun. The doctors were trying to insert an IV pero all the usual veins have collapsed so hirap na cla. They eventually got one on her right foot.
What was wierd was okay na sya eh. That time, she was answering all the doctor's questions correctly. Where she was, what her name was, what happened to her, etc. She even heard the doctor telling me that heart failure was the only complication of a thyroid storm and she even asked if she had heart failure and if she needed to take her meds after she gets out of the hospital.
A few minutes later, she wasn't responding at all. They decided to intubate and there was a sudden rush of seniors into the ward all watching and trying to be helpful. Mamayang konti, someone was performing cpr already.. I got to talk to my mom tapos sinabi nya skn na bumalik na dw ako sa dorm kc i shouldn't even be in the hospital kc kkamatay lng ni papa. So I left. The last thing I saw, they were still performing cpr for a little over 5 minutes already.
Ang bilis ng lahat ng pangyayari. One minute, she was still talking and bugging the doctors to let her drink water and stand up for a while. The next, she wasn't responding at all. It's like she just gave up. Akala namin magiging okay na sya kc stable na sya eh. Tapos bglang ganun.
I have a lot of realizations and things to think about because of what I saw. Iba. With my dad, when we got there, wala na. It's different when you see everything happening right in front of you. Nakakadisturb, nakakasad, nakakapanghina all at the same time. It's the kind of thing that leaves you pale and disturbed for a while. I don't know if her relatives were able to go to the hospital. Pero ang alam ko, nung umaga pa sila sinabihan na pumunta na pero wala pa sila nung dumating ako.
This morning, my mom texted that Lyn left us at 11 pm. May she rest in peace.
*****
On a lighter note, today was Mann Hann's 1st soft opening and we were the first customers! :) we got complimentary drinks. AND.. we witnessed the restaurant's blessing. :P medyo awkward lng nga kc nndun kmi kmkain tpos lahat ng employees and family members of the owners were there having the blessing. akala kc nmin, customers din cla, ayun pla, relatives nung may-ari. :)
our receipt! #1! :P
complimentary drinks :)
with hans and the lasalle boys :)
i have never been this dead my whole life. that's even an understatement.
people are quitting med school left and right. the people i once thought were the more-than-hundred-percent-sure-med-school are dropping like flies. the people i know who are way smarter and studious than me are either leaving this dream or putting it on hold.
what makes me think i can do this?
i'm failing everything. and unfortunately, i'm not exaggerating. i'm failing. literally. i've never had grades like these my whole life and i really don't know how to make them go higher. i enrolled for the 2nd sem knowing i haven't passed a single exam in a major subject. how screwed am i?
everyone's saying i can, tiredness is all just a part of it, and so is failing. but non-med people (i'm not being arrogant or anything) can never understand. the tiredness, the disappointment, the beating of your self-esteem until it's practically gone.
i feel like i'm failing everything - in every aspect of my life.
plus, people seem to have disappeared and i really don't know why. i've been feeling this way for months. the distance is.. ewan. it's so big it's leaving me speechless. all i can really say is it takes two. either to make something or ruin something, it always takes two. or maybe more than two, but i'm definitely sure it's not just me.
but im reposting it anyway.
thanks to wherever/whoever i got it from. (d ko sure kng sa postsecret ba or sa blog ng isa sa inyo.. if ever, im guessing reese's :P )
this is not just about the obvious. it's about a lot of stuff. stuff i think about when everyone else is sleeping and my mind won't do the same. stuff i think about when there's really nothing else to do. stuff i don't know whether i feel at the moment or not, but definitely stuff i've felt before.
or maybe stuff i just imagined.
it's all too close and too much for comfort.
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