there is no need to wait for something that will not come

So many things have happened since my very first day in college. It would be a little bit too early to say that college will never compare to highschool. But based on everything i've experienced right now, id say it is. Yet, the best moments in my life, ive experienced in college.

As everyone says, there is always a first time for everything. And the first time you experience something can only be one of two things. It'll either be the best or the worst. The best because you never knew something could be this wonderful and the worst because you never knew something could hurt that much. Either way, each experience prepares you for the next. You may be left torn and broken into pieces or rejuvenated and eager to take on whatever's coming at you. There may be regret and things that are left unclear. There may be guilt that even apology and humitlity cannot ease.

And the result of what has happened? Well, it depends. What have you done? What have I done? What has everyone involved done? Something so small, shouldnt be allowed to get so big. Big enough to ruin.. a lot. But it it too late for regrets, for apologies, for assuring and kind words. It is time to move on. Yet, everything is not resolved. There is no such thing as closure. Because even though things are dealt with, when you feel so strongly about something, the mere memory of it, brings back emotions. Emotions once felt that as recalling happens, are being felt. Emotions that have long been set to rest are revived all over again. And yet there are some, that have always been there but were ignored and most of all, hidden. These hidden ones, are the most dangerous of all. Because when they cannot take being hidden anymore, they wreak havoc and jump out. Slashing their claws at the same time to inflict pain and sometimes, even to paralize. When they are done, things are irreparable. Then, its time for care to take over. But when things are so bad, you think.. Why care? When the other doesn't.

At this point, there is nothing left to do but leave things as they are. Trying is useless and will only end in even more disappointment. No, not even friends. You start to question, to reexamine. Who are my friends? Are the people I work with, my friends? Are the people who greet me so merrily, my friends? Are THEY my friends? Or do they just pretend? These questions swim around in your mind. You have a minute with nothing to do, you think. You go to the bathroom, you think. You think and think and think.. until it is permanently in your mind. until you dream about it. Then you get your answer. And you realize, that sometimes, your dreams know you better than yourself. It is useless, to wait for something that will never come. So a soldier whose comrades have all died in the war, must walk away from where everything took place. Because if he stays too long, the sight and smell of death will grip him so tight, he might go limp and his body will grow too heavy for him to move.

"Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today, I dare to win"

- Bernadette Devlin