am i really this devoid of emotion?

monday, october 13
my mom texted me around 1+ in the afternoon. she told me about the results of my dad's ct scan. his main cancer tumor in the lungs shrunk by 50% and the mass in his spine can't be seen anymore except for a little swelling. however, some small nodules increased in size and he still has 2 brain tumors. according to the doctor, the results are good overall.

i know i blogged about my dad's cancer a while back and i remember mentioning i wanted something to happen - good or bad, just so i could find out how i would react. and here it is. ito na. may nangyari na. his condition changed for the better. and even after that.. nr pa rin ako.

im supposed to be happy. relieved. grateful. im grateful bec my mom has renewed hope but im not grateful that he's better. im not happy nor am i relieved, which is logical in the sense that i wasn't sad or worried in the 1st place for me to be happy or relieved now. but the bigger picture tells me that the appropriate reaction would be to feel things i'm not feeling.

i don't know if i'm just too disconnected with myself that i can't even decipher my own emotions. i honestly don't think this is the case. sino bang aamin dyan? but then, i would take this explanation any day rather than admit that maybe i'm "selectively emotionally incapable".

i don't have any more excuses. i realized that yes, ma'am ramos is right when she said love still has to be earned. i realized that i do have many bad experiences w/ my dad and i'm still probably going to have them. i also realized though, that my whole life isn't filled w/ bad memories of him. there are good ones as well. but despite my last realization, i can't seem to bring myself to feel anything.

this is my father. without him, i wouldn't be in ateneo. even though he is technically just half of me genetically, less of me physically and probably none of me personality-wise, without him, i wouldn't even be here.

i want to care..

and now that i'm writing this sentence, another realization hits me like a slap in the face.

i want to care not bec he's my father. i want to care bec i feel, or rather know, that that is what's expected of me.