and after a long time.. I blog again

When people find out that I'm in med, the first thing they always ask is if it's difficult. And the next thing they ask is whether I've decided on what specialty I'd want to go into. Both are really easy to answer, especially the second one.

Ever since 1st year highschool, I knew I wanted to become a neurologist/neurosurgeon (even if at that time, i referred to it as a "brain doctor"). Specializing in Psy is a close second ever since college but Neuro was always the first.

Right now, 9 years after 1st year highschool and 2 years into med school, I'm still as decided as ever that I'd specialize in Neuro.

I don't even know why I'm choosing this specialty - except that the brain intrigues me like no other organ/body part ever has before (that kinda sounds weird). I don't have any relatives who are doctors - much less neurologists. My mother seriously told me that if I quit med, she'd be happy because she'd have less expenses to worry about. But all these never bothered me before. I never really thought about all these until something happened last Friday.

A classmate, Ana and I were talking about random things in the hospital cafeteria. Our classmate was talking about how her grandfather was teaching her to read a CT scan of the brain and someone (i forgot if it was Ana or me) if she was going to go into Neuro. And she said, "..Siguro.. nandyan na e." To explain things further, our classmate comes from a family of doctors - mainly neurologists/neurosurgeons.

Not that I'm angry at our classmate or anything, I never felt that. But when I heard what she had to say, I was deeply envious of her. Envious because she has so many advantages that even if she fails every exam, she's sure to become a neurologist if she chooses to be one. What gets to me is, she's offered so much for something she only wants because as she said "nandyan na e", for something she's not even sure about. It's not like me to be envious of people and it's definitely not like me to wish I had something someone else had. But ever since, I kept asking myself why I don't have a grandfather teaching me how to read a CT scan, why I don't have at least one neurologist in the family, or why I don't have any connections.

Ultimately, the one question I had the hardest time admitting to myself - and to my friends who read this blog - was why I didn't have all the things given to her when I think I deserve it more than she does. I felt bad for myself. I still feel bad for myself when I think about it and I'll probably be feeling bad for myself whenever I think about it in the near future. Even when I know I shouldn't.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to be a neurologist. Maybe it's not "in the cards", as they say.

Or the only positive explanation I can think of, maybe I don't have her "advantages" because for some reason, someone up there knows I don't need them. That I can become a neurologist on my own. Kuya Jess, please let this be true.