am i wrong?

i grew up thinking and knowing that its wrong not to help someone in need.but why am i going against it?

last summer, i was forced to go to this buddhist youth camp.hindi sya camp na about religion.pero for the duration of the camp, you're supposed to do everything in a buddhist way.di ko nga alam kng mgppray ba ako bago kumain e kasi baka maoofend mga tao dun.vegetarian din lahat ng food.well anyway, i never wanted to go in the first place.besides, i was sick for 3 days before the start of camp.but my ever beloved mom forced me to go.

just so you'd know, i have a huge sense of commitment.hindi ako sumasali ng kahit ano kung alam kong hindi ko kaya ibigay ung time and effort ko sa sasalihan ko.so far, lahat ng pinasukan ko, i can honestly say that i've always tried my best to attend every meeting and participate in the activities.

sa youth camp, i tried to enjoy myself.believe me, i tried.pero anong magagawa ko?i didn't feel good, physically or emotionally.dahil nilalagnat ako during the whole camp, i couldn't enjoy myself.sa totoo lng, sa fc, kahit na my sakit ako gus2 ko parin pumunta.pati sa mc ganun ako.pero sa camp na yun, no matter how hard i tried, d ko talaga magawang magustuhan ung camp.hindi ko alam bakit.normally, i would have thought "okay lang, at least im helping other people out." pero hindi e.instead of telling myself na okay lang, sinasabi ng utak ko "i want to go home"

after the 3-day camp, di pa sya tapos.my parang activities parin and stuff.and syempre, since pumunta ako dun sa camp, tinatawagan dn nla ako to invite me to participate in the activity.hanggang ngayon ayoko pa rin sumama.

kanina lng, may tumawag daw kasi my sorting thing daw tom (sunday-actually today) morning.my mom was forcing to go.sabi ko ayoko.ganito usapan namin:

mama : bakit ba ayaw mo pumunta?
me : kelangan ko mag-aral ng botany (daw!) my test kami sa tuesday.
mama : monday ka pa nman magaaral e.pumunta ka na.tumutulong ka naman sa tao a.
me : ayoko nga e.bakit ba lagi mo ako pinipilit pumunta dyan?
mama : *nagagalit na* bakit ba?!dapat di mo pinipili kung sino ung tinutulungan mo no!
me : *naiinis na tlga* e pilit ka ng pilit ayoko nga e. walang kwentang tumulong kung napipilitan ka lang tumulong.

ayan nanaman ako sa mga katwiran ko.natahimik nlang si mama.helping should come from the heart.yes, i want to help.its not as if the people they help in tzu chi (name of the camp thing) dont ned help.they do.but my heart is not in the right place.

i dont mean to be indifferent and insensitive.feeling ko prang naassociate ko na ung camp sa problem ko nung time na un.kya na rin cguro kahit na anong pilit ko e d ko talaga magustuhan ung camp.to the 5 people who know about my problem, you know how i feel about "psycho".ganun nffeel ko pagdating d2.d ko alm bakit.

yes, i feel so mean.cguro nagguilty din ako minsan for refusing to help.during the camp, we got to look at some of the people the camp was helping.i pitied them and i wanted to do something.i wanted to help.pro not in that camp.i wanted to help by joining some other org or something.

my point still stands.

helping is not helping when it's done without heart.