ang tgal kong d binuksan tong account na to. at ang tgal kong hindi ngupdate. well, kng alam nyo lhat ng nangyayari/nangyari sa buhay ko, matgal na yun. kasi normally, i update when there are major happenings in my life.

anyway, for a while back there, i cant open this blog. hindi ko kayang buksan ng hindi nalulungkot, ng hindi nasasaktan. because this blog has seen the start. and the end. and everything in between. it has been a testimony to all the fights, the cheesiness, the milestones.

but now, though there's still a pang of loneliness, it's bearable.

this blog, will see more starts and ends. it has seen me through everything and it will keep seeing me through everything. kasi hindi ko sisirain ang buhay ko dahil sa lahat ng nangyari. i have to pick up the pieces and start all over. mahirap, sobrang sobrang hirap. knowing that you, yes you, are not okay though you say you are. sa isang taon na ngsama tyo, ive grown to know when you're really okay.

pero kelangan. at kung hindi ako magsisimula ngayon, kailan pa? kung hindi ko gagawin to, sinong gagawa para sa akin? kung hindi ko susubukang mabuhay ulit, paano na?

*****

walang karma kung hindi ka hindu o buddhist. and because you are a Christian, hindi yan karma. just so happens na ngyon yan nangyari, na sumabay sa lahat. alagaan mo sarili mo. alagaan mo sarili mo, hindi para sa akin, hindi para sa kahit kanino, kundi para sayo.

"it's always been you and me.."

oo, its always been you and me. hanggang ngayon, it still is you and me. pro ngyon, hindi na tyong 2 lang. now, it's you and me and everybody else. the way we were before. sabay tyo mgging okay, sbay ntin kakayanin to. i promised you, "walang iwanan". and you know i dont make promises i know i can't keep.

just something a frend said

"but we do get our own fairytales once in a while"

yeah, we do. and i got mine. even if it lasted for just a year and a month. it was perfect. it was my fairytale, no, it was OUR fairytale. until it wasnt.

"and if its not the kind that lasts forever.. ull have another one and another one and another one till u get it right"

it's time to move on joy. time to let go. there will always be memories to look back to, there will always be places, words, gifts to help remember. life doesn't stop here.

yeah, life doesn't stop here..

Love Isn't - Same Same

Do you ever wake up in the morning alone?

And do you ever wish that there was some way you could stay at home?

With somebody who loves you and needs you

With somebody who helps to complete you

But I've made mistakes and I know for sure

I won't forget to remember

Love isn't

Always as you see it

Love isn't

Always as you dream it should be

Love isn't

Always gonna find you

But this is love

Cause you’re all I'm thinking of

I wanna tell you that I'm sorry I didn't mean that

I wanna say I love you but will I hear those words come back

From somebody who loves me and needs me

From somebody who helps to complete me

But there's one concern that I must consider

Before I start to paint my picture

I'm gonna take my chances

I'm gonna lay my heart out on the line

I'm gonna love you endlessly

But I'll keep this in the back of my mind

*****

hindi ko sya hinahabol. hindi. pro mahal ko sya kaya hindi ko sya pwedeng hayaan ng ganun ganun lng. ang dami ngang nangyari, pro ayko sya iwan. kasi masaya prin ako kpg ksma ko sya. kc pkramdam ko, kaya ko.

hindi. magkaibigan lng kmi. kc hindi pwede. kc msyado nang mrming nngyri. kc msydo na akong nsaktan. kc hindi pa malinaw. kc klngan nya mging ok. kc klngan namin mging ok. okay lng ako. sa gabi malungkot, pro ok ako. ok lng kpg nsa ateneo, ok lng. ayokong lumayo kc hindi ko kayang lumayo. ayoko kc lhat tyo kailngan ng kaibigan. ang dming tumulong skn, lhat kyo nndyan, pro hindi lng ako ung nsaktan, hindi lng ako ung nhhrapan. kc problema nmin yun. kc dpat kaming 2 lng ang nhhrapan.

pero salamat. salamat marj, kate, ven, sars, reese, lor, samboy. salamat sa lahat ng tumulong. salamat sa lahat ng ngalaga sa akin sa starbucks. salamat sa ngpakain skn ng 1 peso nachos. salamat sa pakikinig at sa encouragement. sna alm nyo na and2 lng dn ako. mgsbi lng kyo.

marj, alam kong mtgal tyong d ngusap. sbrang tgal. pro sbrang thank you. life saver ka marj. sna wg mong kklimutan na nnd2 lng dn ako pra syo. kht anong mngyri, kht anong oras, kht saan.

yumi, salamat din syo. sa concern, sa pag-aalala. hindi ako glit, seryoso. ok lang. maskit lhat pro kkyanin, ok lang. sna ok ka. sna mgng ok din tyo. bka hindi ngayon, bka mtgal pa. pro sna. gs2 ko mging ok tyo.

jamie, kht ano pa mngyri, alm mong nnd2 lng ako. salamat kc kht na d ka ok, nndyan ka prin. hindi mo cnra ang buhay ko. wla kang cnrang buhay. wla akong nrrmdamang galit syo o inis. wla. naiintindihan ko lahat. kng anong mngyyri sa atin, d ko alam. but one thing's for sure. we're friends. we're always gonna be friends, really good friends.

i remember one of my friends telling me before that beer only tastes bitter when you're happy (not that i drink). if i drink beer now, it'd probably taste.. sweet. so much has happened the past few weeks. too much, too hurtful, too hard.

up until now, ive always thought i can get through anything. my name is the exact opposite of my life. though people can say im generally a happy person, everything ive experienced tells me that i shouldn't be. o feel as if the world's telling me that i shouldnt be here, that i shouldnt be existing. and because i shouldnt be here, it throws everything right at me, seeing when i'll give in. ive tried so hard to keep myself sane, to keep myself happy inspite of everything. yet, right now, i feel powerless. i feel i cant force myself to be happy this time and act as if everythings okay, as if im not hurting.

i cant because i am. because every fiber of my being feels that i am. because it hurts more when i try to hide it. i cant because i want someone to rescue me, because i want someone to make my hurting stop.

you say you're scared. scared of hurting me again, scared of everything you're uncertain of. but im scared. im also scared. im scared of the same things you're scared of. im scared of being hurt again, im scared that someday i might hurt you, im scared that maybe you wont come back. but still, im here. you asked me to be brave enough to get to know you, to delve deeper into you. i want to, so badly. and because i want to, im risking everything that's left of me. im risking getting hurt again, im putting myself in your hands. because before i can do what you ask of me, you too must be brave enough to make beer bitter for me again.

Heaven Knows - Orange and Lemons

There are times when I'm lying in my bed

How I bellow and cry from this stupid get

And my eyes are like windshields on a rainy day

Almost rubbed-out, swelling as I keep on

Digging my face in these cold hands of mine

Heaven knows how embittered I am

Cause this angel has flown away from me

Leaving me in drunken misery

I should have clipped her wings

And made her mine for all eternity

Now this angel has flown away from me

Thought I had the strength to set her free

I did what I did because I love her so

Will she ever find her way back home to me

I'm so tired, I feel like catching forty-winks

Being up all night in this elbow-room that puts me in a trance

Where hopes and dreams come true

Now, my lips are burning and my eyes are hurting

From these fumes I make, still I light another cigarette

Just to pass my time, oh, heaven knows how embittered I am