i'm not really busy right now but despite the many things i want to write, i still have a hard time doing so. i found that when i start to type things down, i end up with something that doesn't even seem to be worth posting. they all seem too raw to post.
i take it i have been too emotional about too many things the past sem. or maybe, too many things have happened that affected me more than they should have. or maybe still, i just never thought they could happen until they did and i was simply caught off guard.
on the way to ateneo for my grad, my mom told me it was too bad that my dad wasn't there to see me graduate. believe it or not, my parents and their friends didn't even think i'd make it past high school. with the achievements of my siblings, i feel like a dunce. seeing me finish college, even without honors, would have been such a feat for my mom. and my dad, if he was there to see it.
after months, you'd think my dad passing away is old news. everyone here acts like it is. my mom's doing well but i still see signs that she's not over it. she's the wife after all, i believe it's hardest for her. my two brothers and sister act like nothing happened. they're all back to their normal routines. come to think of it, i don't think i saw their routine disrupted because of my dad's death. and me..
the ever "nr" me. flat affect nga daw eh. i wasn't devastated. i cried only because i saw my mom and my aunt crying and seeing adults cry makes u want to cry. people say it's because i'm a strong person or because someone needs to be strong for everyone or because i knew he was going to go soon and i was prepared for it, i said maybe it's because i simply didn't care enough to feel sad, to feel pain or even to cry because of grief.
i never felt what i should have felt back then. but right now, everything is so clear i don't even need to think twice about it.
right now, i feel sad. i feel pain. i feel like crying because i feel sad and because it's painful. but i don't want to cry because i feel my emotions are too delayed and they're not worth anything anymore.
my tears won't comfort the people around me who are also grieving. they will comfort noone, not even me. my sadness won't assure anyone that they're not alone because they've already been assured by the sadness of others. my pain won't show anyone that the world lost someone valuable because everyone else's pain already did that.
i just realized that i chose to deal with something so much easier last december and that probably allowed me to make it past the sem. back then, i thought i was dealing with hell. now i know i wasn't.
i miss my dad.
now what?
