:(

You've been crying in front of me for over 30 minutes now. I don't want to see or hear you crying because it hurts to know I'm the cause of it. I hope you get to read this someday, when you're more mature - mature enough to understand why I had to leave. 

I love you. I gave up a lot for you. You may not acknowledge it now but someday I hope you'll remember that I fought so hard for this, for us. And that until the end, that's still what I'm doing.

I want us to have a chance. And for that to happen, I need to leave now before the love I feel for you is eaten away by all your issues. I can't assure you that we will be together again someday. If we end up with different people in the future, then consider this my last effort to save what we have and what we could have had.

I love you.

You Got Some Growing Up to Do
- Joshua Radin

I've been down this road before
I walk out the door

Leave you on the floor

Sometimes you run and hide

Your foolish pride's

What keeps me from

Giving you more

So the best thing I can give to you

Is for me to go

Leave you alone

Cause you got growing up to do

Someday I'll return when its time

For payment in kind

The church bells will chime

You'll stand before me surrounded by lights

Dressed in white

You throw flowers in the air this night

But the best thing I can give to you

Is for me to go

Leave you alone

You got growing up to do

Looks like the rain's pouring down on me

It's drowning me now

And all I want is to come back home

And this old corduroy coat is not keeping me dry

But I can't think of what else to try

That's why the best thing I can give to you

Is for me to go

Leave you alone

You got growing up to do

Yeah, the best thing I can give to you is for me to go

Leave you alone

You got growing up to do

what if

 pic from Postsecret

i used to always know what i wanted. i may not have been able to put my desires into words before, but i knew i wanted them.

im so lost in everything that happened this summer. it was supposed to be the greatest summer of my life. how did i manage to make it the worst?

i feel like everything is ruined and feeling that makes me feel hopeless about getting back on track. it makes me not want to do anything but mope and float.

i used to always know what i wanted. even when i got hurt, i knew what i wanted. and now i don't know what i want. i dont know how to deal with not knowing, how to go about life not knowing what im working for or where things are headed.

there are so many days when i dont feel anything. i dont feel happy. i dont feel sad. i dont feel anything, like im not capable of feeling anything but feeling lost.

i am lost. and i feel screwed because i am lost and i dont know how to find my way back.

and after a long time.. I blog again

When people find out that I'm in med, the first thing they always ask is if it's difficult. And the next thing they ask is whether I've decided on what specialty I'd want to go into. Both are really easy to answer, especially the second one.

Ever since 1st year highschool, I knew I wanted to become a neurologist/neurosurgeon (even if at that time, i referred to it as a "brain doctor"). Specializing in Psy is a close second ever since college but Neuro was always the first.

Right now, 9 years after 1st year highschool and 2 years into med school, I'm still as decided as ever that I'd specialize in Neuro.

I don't even know why I'm choosing this specialty - except that the brain intrigues me like no other organ/body part ever has before (that kinda sounds weird). I don't have any relatives who are doctors - much less neurologists. My mother seriously told me that if I quit med, she'd be happy because she'd have less expenses to worry about. But all these never bothered me before. I never really thought about all these until something happened last Friday.

A classmate, Ana and I were talking about random things in the hospital cafeteria. Our classmate was talking about how her grandfather was teaching her to read a CT scan of the brain and someone (i forgot if it was Ana or me) if she was going to go into Neuro. And she said, "..Siguro.. nandyan na e." To explain things further, our classmate comes from a family of doctors - mainly neurologists/neurosurgeons.

Not that I'm angry at our classmate or anything, I never felt that. But when I heard what she had to say, I was deeply envious of her. Envious because she has so many advantages that even if she fails every exam, she's sure to become a neurologist if she chooses to be one. What gets to me is, she's offered so much for something she only wants because as she said "nandyan na e", for something she's not even sure about. It's not like me to be envious of people and it's definitely not like me to wish I had something someone else had. But ever since, I kept asking myself why I don't have a grandfather teaching me how to read a CT scan, why I don't have at least one neurologist in the family, or why I don't have any connections.

Ultimately, the one question I had the hardest time admitting to myself - and to my friends who read this blog - was why I didn't have all the things given to her when I think I deserve it more than she does. I felt bad for myself. I still feel bad for myself when I think about it and I'll probably be feeling bad for myself whenever I think about it in the near future. Even when I know I shouldn't.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to be a neurologist. Maybe it's not "in the cards", as they say.

Or the only positive explanation I can think of, maybe I don't have her "advantages" because for some reason, someone up there knows I don't need them. That I can become a neurologist on my own. Kuya Jess, please let this be true.

hay

i don't feel like decorating the christmas tree. i don't feel like celebrating at all.

it's 4:04 am, only 2 hours before i have to wake up and i still can't sleep.

it's not that i'm not tired, i am. i want to sleep. i just cant.

my mind's so busy.

i want you to grow up. and i know i have to as well. but i want us to be grown ups together. maybe thats why im holding back, because i'm scared i'd get tired of it all if i was the only one doing it.

i hate being so sure of something especially when i dont know how it's all going to end. there are so many things that have yet to happen. but i already know this is still how i want things to be when everything else have fallen into place - careers, family issues, everything else.

i want to skip everything and fast forward to the time when i'd know i was right about being sure.

just tell me when.

hello

i'm still annoyed at you.

but i'm trying to help you right now, even if you don't know it.

it's not so hard to see why.

i see you in a place where i have been and where others have seen me in. and those others never did anything even if they saw what was happening.

so i'm helping you because i know how it feels. and because noone helped me.

looking back, i know things worked out for the better and i wouldn't have it any other way. but now, a few years later, it still bothers me that noone did anything. it's not that i wanted a different ending. it's the knowledge that people cared enough to try to stop things that i'm after.

so i'm crossing my fingers for your happy ending.