something great awaits me..

everyone's telling me i dont have the perseverance and patience to be a doctor. everyone's telling me i don't have the courage to be one. i dont have the skill to diagnose a patient or to hold a surgical knife steady in my hand and do what i have to do. i dont have the smarts to be one. i cant be a doctor because im too emotional and id get easily attached to my patients. i cant be a doctor because im too moralistic, id do everything i can to save a patient even if the patient doesn't want to be saved. i cant be a doctor because everyone says i cant and i have grown to believe that i cant.

AYOKO NA!!!

MAGIGING BASURERA NALANG AKO.

please please PLEASE..

just let the earth open under my feet and SWALLOW ME NOW..

thinking, in general

life can be so confusing.

everyone has their own opinion of you. some think im childish and immature while some think im not. a person once told me that, in psych terms, im in the postconventional level.

its amazing how two people can think so differently of you. the exact opposite actually. if you dont know yourself well enough, which in truth i dont think i do, you can wind up being confused. about how you reason with people, how you think and how you handle certain situations.

i know people always say "its always up to you, who you want to be, who you are, its always up to you.it doesnt matter what others think"

but sometimes, its extremely difficult to decide for yourself when people can be so judgemental and when they see you as something you think you're not. not that im being egocentric, but people always put something over my head. and i feel as if i have to live up to it even if i actually dont. i dont know why but its probably because all my life, that thing has always been there. so often that ive learned to be that way and to live with it.

right now, i dont exactly know if im really that person or if i want to be that. but it seems to be working out well for me. so i guess im sticking to it for a while. maybe not forever, maybe someday ill figure out who i really am. but right now, its what i have and its what my life has been.

i have unbelievably high levels of cortisol..

forgive the title.kakatapos lng ng physio exam.. anyway..

i cant wait for all of this to be over.i dont want to study anymore!!! wla nmang pinatutunguhan ang pag-aaral ko. im tired every single day. i want to rest.

i feel trapped in this.. i dont even know what it's called. eveything's suddenly so routine. i feel like a zombie. waking up, going to school, attending my classes, going home, studying, sleeping, waking up, going to school, attending my classes, going home, studying, sleeping..

i need something to break this. i need spontaneity.. someone give it to me!!!

and it just keeps on spinning and spinning and spinning...

life can be nothing but complications. sometimes, it gets too complicated to the point that you get too caught up in trying to uncomplicate things, you lose yourself. you drown in, not only your own miseries, but also those of others. you lose grasp of all things clear and sane. worst of all, everything only becomes even more complicated. the more you try to work it out, the deeper you sink in. until the time comes that gasping for air is next to impossible.

but then again, here's the thing.

" if it's not complicated, then it cannot possibly be the right one"

the hardest part of it all..

to my friend:
congratulations, you've gotten through, what i believe, is the hardest part of it all.i agree with you, parents can be so close-minded.expecially chinese parents.too bad we're stuck with them, huh? haha joke. :) i know you're sticking to what you feel.and if that's what you really want, then good.im with you all the way.maging masaya kayo. :) and to my friend's love, ingatan mo yan a! :P

to you:
we've never talked about what would happen.we've always dismissed the idea.and im not asking you to talk about it with me, it is after all a stressful topic.i know you're scared.i know you are too.i cant promise anything, even though i want to.i dont want any more hearts to break.no matter what happens, just always remember i love you.

let night fall..

this is one of those days when you're thankful that its time to sleep, time to rest.. time to temporarily "forget" the events of the day.

things have happened, have been discussed and understood.
people have been hurt, annoyed, angered, have been sorry and have been forgiven.
it doesn't matter who is at fault. there will always be 2 sides to every story.

point is, it is the end of the day. no more judgements are to be made, no more tears to be shed, no more hopes to be lost. nothing more left to do, but to sleep and let everything be.

this time, it is the heart's turn to "rest".

*****

don't ever forget, i love you.

yes!!! :D

i just finshed my post lab!!! :D hehe.

******

it's the first of the month again.

every 1st of the month, i feel as if the whole world is jumping.
every 1st of the month, i feel as if everyone's partying.
every 1st of the month, i feel as if everyone's happier than usual.
every 1st of the month, i feel as whole universe is conspiring with me instead of against me.
every 1st of the month, i feel a burst of joy, of content, of sheer bliss.
every 1st of the month, i remember what happened 10 months ago.
10 months ago.. it used to be 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 and 1.
every 1st of the month, when i see you, i remeber, its special only for me and you, for us.
every 1st of the month, i remember all the fights, all the misunderstandings.
every 1st of the month, i feel as if im being sucked back into time, to relive everything that happened by my memory.
every 1st of the month, i feel guilty, shame and hopelessness.

but then, every 1st of the month, im reminded that ive been loving you for every single day of those past months.and still i havent stopped.
every 1st of the month, i feel im finally taking in a breath of air after holding my breath for so long under water.
every 1st of the months, i am reminded that if we lasted for these many months, we can last for twice as long.maybe even thrice, quadruple, quintuple!!!!
every 1st of the month, i remember all the good times we've shared.. yeah, yeah, even my accidentally drinking too much sprite. :P
every 1st of the month, i feel overwhelmed, by what im feeling.
every 1st of the month, i feel so so much more love for you than what ive felt that 1st 1st of the month.
every 1st of the month.. and many many more 1st of the months.happy 10th monthsary baby.
still, i love you.