fiesta

at least i have proven one thing..

living with the guilt IS easier.

signing off

i don't wanna blog in multiply anymore.. i don't know why but it doesn't serve the same purpose as it once did.

i always thought blogs are supposed to be somewhat therapeutic.

for some reason, i don't feel better anymore everytime i write something down here. so yeah. i'll be posting pics and maybe videos if there are any. and probably promotional stuff too.

but for my thoughts and feelings, not anymore.

my friends know where to reach me. that's all i really care about.

a love story

napanood ko lng sya ulit sa cinema1.

Maricel: Lahat ng tama, masakit sa una. Siguro dadating rin ung panahon, pasasayahin din tayo.
Aga: Alam mo minsan, minsan naisip ko, papano kaya kung ikaw yung una kong minahal?
Maricel: Hindi nga eh. Ayoko ng may pangpuno sa kulang. Ayoko na ng may sinasaktan ako. Kaya hindi na kita pwedeng mahalin.
Aga: Thank you.

*****

ngayon ko lang naisip na kahit anong mangyari, 3rd party ka prin, whether u know na 3rd party ka or not. and like a friend once told me..

"you know it's bad and you'd tell yourself you won't do it. but sometimes you find yourself in situations you don't want to be in. and there's nothing else you could do but fight for what you want."

i wish life was as "perfect" as the movies. na kahit may masamang mangyari, what's right always wins in the end. kahit may masaktan, lahat masaya prn when the film is over.

hindi ba ang saya kapag ganun? kasi there would be no doubt na magiging okay ang lahat. it's the kind of predictability that would benefit everyone.

losing a bit of idealism

i went to high street with a friend today.

we walked around. we watched people. we talked about the past, the present, the future.

all the talking made me remember a lot of things. and all that i remembered made me realize something..

i recently made a gift for a friend a few days ago. i showed it to some people for comments and okay naman, positive. i love my hands and im proud of what they can do. i can create something out of nothing but not only that, i can fix things. i can destroy things and put them back together again. i can even fix things i didn't take apart.

but there's a catch to this.

the things i really want to fix the most are the things i destroyed that, unfortunately, my hands can't fix.

*****

"Humans are always leaving.. Life is all about people leaving."
- Susan Hubbard, The Society of S

so what makes you any different?

that's "you", in general, by the way.

am i really this devoid of emotion?

monday, october 13
my mom texted me around 1+ in the afternoon. she told me about the results of my dad's ct scan. his main cancer tumor in the lungs shrunk by 50% and the mass in his spine can't be seen anymore except for a little swelling. however, some small nodules increased in size and he still has 2 brain tumors. according to the doctor, the results are good overall.

i know i blogged about my dad's cancer a while back and i remember mentioning i wanted something to happen - good or bad, just so i could find out how i would react. and here it is. ito na. may nangyari na. his condition changed for the better. and even after that.. nr pa rin ako.

im supposed to be happy. relieved. grateful. im grateful bec my mom has renewed hope but im not grateful that he's better. im not happy nor am i relieved, which is logical in the sense that i wasn't sad or worried in the 1st place for me to be happy or relieved now. but the bigger picture tells me that the appropriate reaction would be to feel things i'm not feeling.

i don't know if i'm just too disconnected with myself that i can't even decipher my own emotions. i honestly don't think this is the case. sino bang aamin dyan? but then, i would take this explanation any day rather than admit that maybe i'm "selectively emotionally incapable".

i don't have any more excuses. i realized that yes, ma'am ramos is right when she said love still has to be earned. i realized that i do have many bad experiences w/ my dad and i'm still probably going to have them. i also realized though, that my whole life isn't filled w/ bad memories of him. there are good ones as well. but despite my last realization, i can't seem to bring myself to feel anything.

this is my father. without him, i wouldn't be in ateneo. even though he is technically just half of me genetically, less of me physically and probably none of me personality-wise, without him, i wouldn't even be here.

i want to care..

and now that i'm writing this sentence, another realization hits me like a slap in the face.

i want to care not bec he's my father. i want to care bec i feel, or rather know, that that is what's expected of me.

books books books

i have a list of all the books i want to read. and everytime i go into a bookstore, bumili man ako or nde, the list just gets longer.

1. Plain Truth - Jodi Picoult
2. Change of Heart - Jodi Picoult
3. Mercy - Jodi Picoult
4. Betrayed - Lindsey Harris
5. Human Traces - Sebastian Faulks
6. The Gathering - Anne Enright
7. Gossamer - Louis Lowry
8. Dive from Clausen's Pier - Ann Packer
9. The Kindness of Strangers - Katrina Kittle
10. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
11. Case Histories - Kate Atkinson
12. The Shakespeare Secret - Jennifer Lee Carrell
13. Brida - Paulo Coelho

on where im headed

i went to ateneo this morning to fix things needed for med school. i was walking towards mvp until it hit me.

there were 4 months left. 4 months that would definitely breeze through and it would all be over before i know it.

i experienced a lot in ateneo. i flew all the way to heaven, fell down to earth and dug my way up from down below. quoting ven, "we experienced the world".

i felt then, that i didn't want to go to med anymore. i want to stay here. i want to stay where i am right now, where everything is safe and familiar. med school sounds so difficult, so scary, so cold and intimidating.

it sounds like something i can't handle.

when i saw my certificate of good moral character, i remembered that this is my dream. this is what i've wanted to be ever since i started signing autograph books. sure, i may have been confused along the way, but this is still what i want to be.

i should probably let go of everything i'm scared of and just go for it. i found that everything i do, when mixed w/ fear, turns out to be half-baked. there are only a few things in my life which didn't end up that way.

and i want med school to be a part of those few things.

happy song

Now - mymp

Now is all I know
Now is all I got
And I don’t know
If there will be tomorrow for us.

Now is all I care about
Now that you are here
Now that you’re the contents of my heart.

Now you’re all I know
Now is all I promise
And I don’t know
If there will be a future for us.

Now is all I live for
Now that you are near
And it was best that from the start it was clear.

Loving is not owning
We can let it go
We can let it go.

Loving is not owning
You can let me go
You can let me go.

There’s a reason
Why we love each other now
And we don’t know if this is forever.

There’s a reason
Why we are together now
And we don’t care if it’s not forever now.

Now is all I think about
Now that I am happy
And I’m not sure
If there will be a future for us.

Now is all I offer
It’s everything I got
And I still wish
That there will be a tomorrow for us.

narinig ko lng sya kanina tpos naaliw ako kc ang saya nung kanta. hahaha.

damn

can't sleep.

grar.

saturday

pagod.

crazy day.

anyway, un lang.